It's actually getting better

Soo I haven't written in quite awhile. I have had a very uneventful week. Lying around at my dads house, playing sims and moping about my life. Actually that last one is happily sort of a lie. I was kind of upset earlier in the week because after my iphone arrived (yes it finally arrived!) my father and I got into a stupid argument. He says things like "I'm sorry I can't please you" and what not. To make a long story short, I 'set him off' He flung the coffee table in our loft across the room, he grabbed my wrists so tightly that I had bruises from his fingers, and punched me in the chest. You know I'd like to say I'm not playing the victim part, but I am. I felt so bad for myself, especially when a bruise arose on my chest from him. So I was pretty mopey about that seeing as I felt like I was an abused child; which I'm not.

So that was lame. I had my science mid term exam on Tuesday...no Wednesday, and I feel like I did very well. It was incredibly easy actually, to my delight. My Spanish was today, and It was delightfully simple as well. But I've just been living in my own little bubble of a world. I worked monday and Wednesday and I have set plans for where my cash flow is going to be going. There are a few things on my to-do list. The funny thing is, once I get enough money to clear those things up, I'm sure more things will arise. I'm getting my hair dyed next saturday. Dyed and cut. I can't actually wait. My hair actually disgusts me right now. My roots are dark, which makes my hair look really greasy. My bangs are like...confused. They don't know if they are bangs or not. They are in that in between stage between growing out and being bangs. It's gross. When I get into that hair salon I swear I will die.

I am paying for more than half of my iphone. I'm not going to leave my dad with the entire bill after our huge sharade last week. It was actually terrifying, and I try my best to be respectful and non whining and stuff. But sometimes I just feel like I can't help it. I dunno, so thats another 100 bucks gone. So i'll be down 200 bucks. Well, i'm sure a bit over. Then I'll just make it all back. The only crappy thing is that I have a cheer competition on the 7th of February, and the 14th of February, so I can't really work any weekends for the next couple weeks. Which means; no extra cash money for me!

I also realized over the time that I've been away that I am very bitter. It's one thing to know and to realize how things should be, and a complete other to know them but have the emotions in it that you simply can't follow them. All of this alone time has left me feeling somewhat refreshed. It's nice to get away from Chris. Not going to lie. That's always been my issue. I can get over someone quickly if I don't see them or hear about them. But being at school, the whole bus thing and the whole group of people that I seem to imagine talking about them together is overwhelming. I hate it. For once after all of this I feel like I have this burning fire inside of me to move on. I've never been so set on it because before I'd always hoped that we would get back to what we were.

Oh man I couldn't have been more wrong. I am sad, but it's not like this deep sadness. I just... I don't really care. I wan't him in my life but I quickly realized that friends between ex's is a huge miss. I read a magazine article about being friends with your ex's. It said give it like 3 months and don't communicate with them and then friendship will come. But after everything, hes more than an ex. He's a huge issue that has wormed its way into every aspect of my life. The good news is; it's dissinagrating quickly. I enjoy it, it gives me alot of satisfaction to feel angry now rather than sad. I just feel like kicking all of these people in the ass. I deserve so much better, I know I do. I guess it's good to still think this while my self confidence is still somewhat there.

So, sad. I don't cry anymore, but I miss it you know? It's the whole closure thing. To feel that it is finally the end. I never felt like it was completely over. That was probably my weakness, still investing my time in making things change. But they never changed, and I feel like I failed yet again trying to get things to just be at a place that I could finally be happy. But I can't be happy with him around I guess. I was packing today and I was listening to some old music of mine from far back on my ipod and it was really, I dunno, painful. It was so strange. It feels like summer was ten years ago. Funny I keep reverting back to the stupid summer when everyone else but me has moved the fuck on. I feel like such a loser! Agh. :(

So, tomorrow I have a 'Sportmart' party. I'm excited to party with those guys, because the good thing about all of them is that they are in no way connected to the people I go to school with. And I hate most of the people I go to school with. I'm nervous because I don't want to have my night ruined by the jokes that my 'co-workers' make about me and this Matt guy. I feel bad because I had no idea anything was going on at all and then one day he texted me saying they were making fun of him and I was completely and utterly confused. Now they just think that we have feelings for each other which, BEEP, we don't. Well, I know I don't. Thats awkward too.

Anyways, I haven't partied in awhile. I learned it was kind of a summer/ rebellion thing. I'm too smart for drinking and weed. And unlike the people that try it, I have never craved any of that in my life. Just during October and November when I wanted to prove everyone wrong and lose myself completely did I take advantage of MaryJane and the Captain. The person that I am now, is a quiet loser who plays Sims by herself in her room and suffocates herself in her emotion-filled thoughts.

Sad.

Sadder still.

XoKristen