Move the fuck on

I kind of forgot how good it felt to cry. You know those times when something happens and you find that inner strength to hold the waterworks in? I had a day like that today. I have never felt so mixed up in my life walking down my stairs today trying to suck back the tears. Of course, they are the product of the newest blow up between Chris and I. Basically he believes that he should no longer hang out with me because it's leading me on. He doesn't want anything to do with me...

lol fuck I'm pathetic. Stating that is making me cry. Anyways, I was trying to let it set into my veins, become a part of my reality. Once it did I was fine, still breathing like a cow mind you, trying to keep myself from letting him once again get the better of me. Then I just burst into tears and sobs, and kept going for a good half an hour. It felt really good, I'm not going to lie. I am the queen of feeling sorry for myself. Part of me just kind of wishes that he and the rest of the world could see how hard I try to be strong, I just can't I guess.

I'm doing my best to see the world from the outside. To make myself believe that I need this in order to move on. But, now that I know that I officially lost my best friend...I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. This pain is actually unbelieveably suffocating. I am so anxious right now. I have no way to explain it. If I had a choice I would just scream. I feel like I'm dying, like I've lost all feeling in my fingers and my toes. This feeling by far is the worst in the entire world. I can't believe, can't fucking believe that this is still happen.

I want him gone. I want his girlfriend fucking gone. I want his school to fucking explode. I want the whole block from my school to his to just fall into the earth. I feel like my school is the center of gossip, like everyone knows his girlfriend, whose name makes me feel like wretching all over the floor. Her name makes me feel like just crying myself into a coma. Everyone knows her, they know him, I have made no new good friends. I am a failure, I can't even stand my school. I can't stand how everyone is so connected. I can't handle my life. I actually flat out hate my life.

It's so incredibly painful but I am holding onto the few morsels of happiness I have left. I'm trying to tell myself that if he doesn't want me, doesn't need me, even as a friend, then there is no way on earth that I need him in my life. As often as I repeat it to myself, it still feels wrong. I even stood up for myself today towards him, and he told me he couldn't talk to me anymore. That it was a waste of time to explain his feelings towards me. Translation: I am a waste of time.

So any Mac kids roaming around reading my blog like they have been known to do in the past... I want to say that I have never done anything, I have never even been close to stealing anyones relationship because in the end I am always the loser. So there you go, you all won. And at the moment I am focusing on keeping my tears in, and work tomorrow, and my new phone. And getting on with life.

I need to get on with life.

Move the fuck on.

I'm so incredibly scared to leave this in the past. Unlike him I was never eager to let the summer go. But it seems like ancient history now. I'm not going to lie. He isn't anyone I even know anymore and I'm scared of jumping off the deep end. Most of me just wants to find someone that loves me, someone who won't hurt me. I don't want people to hurt me anymore. I'm too young to have the burden of like a broken heart. Who has a broken heart at 15? My life just feels incredibly ridiculous.

If I had any wish, it'd be that he would miss me. I'd always dreamed that I would go, the concept doesn't even seem as bad if I had been the one to walk away. But he's practically kicking me out of his stupid life. Thats what I don't like. That's what I hate. That's what breaks my heart into a million pieces. Anyways, I'm done complaining and grovelling.

You can sit there, anaylizing the pieces and what you've done wrong. Or you can clean up the pieces, and move the fuck on.
-Tupac

Xokristen