So, Life is gay. That's just the jist of it. I am so angry right now. So angry. So mad at the world that this could still be happening again. I had a talk with my father today, just driving around edmonton and our to Muir lake to check out a house possibility. I told him, something I concoted from the bowels of my mind that in order to get over sadness, it needs to get turned into anger.
He nodded and looked at me sadly just to agree. I know now what I should do in order for this to go away, I just don't know if I want to. It will hurt alot along the way. But haven't I had enough hurt these past couple of months? I am absoulutely furious and enraged with Chris. I don't want to talk to anyone about it, and I really don't want to hear his attempts at helping me move on from him. I am convinced he is a heartless asshole who doesn't deserve to be in a relationship. For once, I feel bad for his girlfriend. She's the only other person on this planet that's ever had to deal with his bullshit. I feel strangely connected to her even though I moderately ruined her life this past week. I can't even tell you how much regret I've had over that.
All I know is that when I text Chris, think about him, my cheeks get hot and I get this burning feeling in my stomach and I feel like yelling at him and shouting profanity and basically just murdering myself. Then, when I see him I immedietely miss the old Chris. The happy, loving and caring Chris from the summertime. That is exactly what he's not, and exactly what I'm holding onto. Ive been trying to force myself to believe that I don't matter to him for months, and up until last weekend I was almost there.
But this needs to stop. This is nothing to him, it's the world to me. And he hasn't even told her the entire story. I don't even know if Karma exists anymore. Of course I'm going to be blamed for all of this, going to get conjured as the bad guy, the whore, the menace. Whatever. I wish I could tell all of them the actual truth. When I finally get past these feelings, a hundred percent, once and for all like he claims to have done, I'm not going to hold back on telling the world the truth. I think his girlfriend and I both deserve that much.
He really gets to me. And last night was the first time in forever that I cried myself to sleep. He is the most inferior person I have ever met, and although I swore I would never blog into detail about him or his life I feel like he has done nothing to deserve me protecting what I say just for his sake. I shouldn't do him any favors. All I know is these nexts few months are going to be interesting and probably unbearably painful. I've always imagined myself turning my back and walking away for good, but that's only a small part of it that will hurt. The part that will kill me, is that I know he won't follow. He won't try to make me stay his friend. He won't care. And picturing myself in a world where he won't be on the bus smiling, where he won't be asking me to go to Starbucks with him and just talk about life, where he won't be a great friend to me. It hurts immensely to picture that and I hate the feeling I get imagining that. It really hurts.
It really hurts.
But I know myself, I know the thing's he's said to me:
"I know it's hard to love someone when they love someone else"
The incredibly obnoxious, ridiculous and retarded things he thought he was right about.
"You need to get over me. Once and for all, because I already have"
The most inferior, heartless person I have ever met.
And I am not afraid to say that, I hate him.
I hate his ability to leave me behind, I hate the way that he feels like he could go through the fire and flames and not once need me by his side, I hate how he always thinks he knows how I'm feeling and that the thing's he says are what's best, I hate his ignorance towards this whole situation. I hate him, but I love who he was. And I have been trying for too long to see that person that he was.
But he's gone.
And now after reading Alyssa's blog I'm worried that she's going to get hurt. Relationships don't seem worth it to me sometimes, Building up so much love and trust in a person just to find yourself completely lost when they dettatch from you. To find yourself searching for a way out of this muffling and drowning feeling called love. I want out.
I want out so bad. I just wish there were some way on this earth for him to want to hold on to me. But I can't make those feelings appear.
He nodded and looked at me sadly just to agree. I know now what I should do in order for this to go away, I just don't know if I want to. It will hurt alot along the way. But haven't I had enough hurt these past couple of months? I am absoulutely furious and enraged with Chris. I don't want to talk to anyone about it, and I really don't want to hear his attempts at helping me move on from him. I am convinced he is a heartless asshole who doesn't deserve to be in a relationship. For once, I feel bad for his girlfriend. She's the only other person on this planet that's ever had to deal with his bullshit. I feel strangely connected to her even though I moderately ruined her life this past week. I can't even tell you how much regret I've had over that.
All I know is that when I text Chris, think about him, my cheeks get hot and I get this burning feeling in my stomach and I feel like yelling at him and shouting profanity and basically just murdering myself. Then, when I see him I immedietely miss the old Chris. The happy, loving and caring Chris from the summertime. That is exactly what he's not, and exactly what I'm holding onto. Ive been trying to force myself to believe that I don't matter to him for months, and up until last weekend I was almost there.
But this needs to stop. This is nothing to him, it's the world to me. And he hasn't even told her the entire story. I don't even know if Karma exists anymore. Of course I'm going to be blamed for all of this, going to get conjured as the bad guy, the whore, the menace. Whatever. I wish I could tell all of them the actual truth. When I finally get past these feelings, a hundred percent, once and for all like he claims to have done, I'm not going to hold back on telling the world the truth. I think his girlfriend and I both deserve that much.
He really gets to me. And last night was the first time in forever that I cried myself to sleep. He is the most inferior person I have ever met, and although I swore I would never blog into detail about him or his life I feel like he has done nothing to deserve me protecting what I say just for his sake. I shouldn't do him any favors. All I know is these nexts few months are going to be interesting and probably unbearably painful. I've always imagined myself turning my back and walking away for good, but that's only a small part of it that will hurt. The part that will kill me, is that I know he won't follow. He won't try to make me stay his friend. He won't care. And picturing myself in a world where he won't be on the bus smiling, where he won't be asking me to go to Starbucks with him and just talk about life, where he won't be a great friend to me. It hurts immensely to picture that and I hate the feeling I get imagining that. It really hurts.
It really hurts.
But I know myself, I know the thing's he's said to me:
"I know it's hard to love someone when they love someone else"
The incredibly obnoxious, ridiculous and retarded things he thought he was right about.
"You need to get over me. Once and for all, because I already have"
The most inferior, heartless person I have ever met.
And I am not afraid to say that, I hate him.
I hate his ability to leave me behind, I hate the way that he feels like he could go through the fire and flames and not once need me by his side, I hate how he always thinks he knows how I'm feeling and that the thing's he says are what's best, I hate his ignorance towards this whole situation. I hate him, but I love who he was. And I have been trying for too long to see that person that he was.
But he's gone.
And now after reading Alyssa's blog I'm worried that she's going to get hurt. Relationships don't seem worth it to me sometimes, Building up so much love and trust in a person just to find yourself completely lost when they dettatch from you. To find yourself searching for a way out of this muffling and drowning feeling called love. I want out.
I want out so bad. I just wish there were some way on this earth for him to want to hold on to me. But I can't make those feelings appear.
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