So, Don't think I'm an asshole. This 'post a secret' doesn't necessarily apply to me. I've just been thinking alot. Even more than usual perhaps. Happiness seems like such a luxury right now. I crave it so much. It'd be nice to feel carefree. That's what I want.
My dad and I were having yet another conversation today. He told me about how he likes to think he's pretty philosophical, and I guess I'm the same way. It's one of the few reasons I think I'm still moderately sane. I don't know how many people can talk themselves out of sucide and feeling like dying like I can. I came to a basic conclusion, something that is a combination of what I want, and how things should be.
First of all, talking about Chris kills me. Hearing his name, hearing her name. It's like a blow to the face, I really can't stand it. People say things like "it doesn't matter, he doesn't go to our school"
But teenagers are fucking dumb, and everyone has connections. His school is down the street for godsakes. When I say down the street I mean literally, I could walk to his school. It doesn't help that his girlfriend was on my bus this morning and he afterschool. It doesn't help anything. I try my best to act like I think I should, but how is that exactly? Seeing his girlfriend made me feel like a bitch, it made me scared, it made me feel ugly. That's a good word to describe it. She is so pretty I actually felt like killing myself in that very moment. Of course I'm not as good as her. Of course.
The thing I have trouble dealing with is how much this has damaged my self confidence. I used to think I was alright, that I was someone that was pretty to alot of people, and normal to most. I used to think that my personality was really infectious. I mean, I liked to think that. But now I'm not so sure. I love this boy. Not exagerating. I know what love is. I know what its like to love someone, although there is a substantial difference between being in love and loving someone. And I have never been one for change, I am so obsessed with the small picture that when things are alright I want them to stay that way. It kills me at night to lay there and think about who Chris was, who I was, who we were together. I get myself thinking these things and then I think "How could I ever let that go?" Those are the times when I am set on having a friendship with him.
But the more thought I put into it, the more I try to have empathy for his situation and how sees the world. I just think, why the trouble? I mean, I know if I just weasled out of his life, let myself stop texting him, calling him, making hangout efforts it wouldn't do anything. He wouldn't call me telling me he missed having me as a friend, he wouldn't text me saying we needed to hang out. I feel like if I did let myself go through with something as painstaking as this, a part of me would feel like it was missing. A part that he's grown to just withold since the end of grade nine last year.
It's just getting to the point now where it was so long ago I can't talk about it, I feel pathetic. I can't say anything to him because he has moved on from me (Or so he says) I like to think that sometimes i'm a penetrating thought in the back of his mind. Something I have been a very teensy bit, but nevertheless there.
What I'm trying to say, is that I need to find a happy medium between great close friends and strangers. Honestly, more than anything I wanted to be his great friend. It was getting to that point again I'm not going to lie, but then those feelings just came back and caused a huge problem. I'm convinced that he's never going to put my feelings first. I mean, he's taken advantage of me for so long, why stop now? I'm like just this other person to him and I wish he'd realize how hard i've tried to be there for him. But as my father always says, why would you want to have a relationship or friendship with someone who doesn't want to have one with you? I can't do all of th work.
Hopefully I can teach myself to backoff without any strings attached. After everything, I just want him to be happy and leave him with his girlfriend. Like, of course I want to punch him in the face when I think hard about it, but I've caused so much trouble. This isn't my place anymore and in my defense he has fucked up my life so much that I can't even eat dinner with my family without it reminding me of how much I'm hurting inside.
I can't keep doing this to myself and him. I am feeling strong, and independant, and like if I focus on the right aspects of my life I can do this. I am so hurt, I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest and cut into pieces. It hurts to swallow, it hurts to be happy, any kind of glimpse of happiness I get I feel this immense pain that I shouldn't be happy, because I don't deserve it. I see people holding hands and my heart just aches because someone used to love me, but I put all the blame on myself no matter what oter people say. I can't hear a girls name thats her name because I picture her in his arms, them both being totally and blissfully happy and all control I have seems to disappear and I just want to melt into the floor and let the end take over me because being dead and having died from physical pain would hurt a thousand times less than this ever has.
My dad and I were having yet another conversation today. He told me about how he likes to think he's pretty philosophical, and I guess I'm the same way. It's one of the few reasons I think I'm still moderately sane. I don't know how many people can talk themselves out of sucide and feeling like dying like I can. I came to a basic conclusion, something that is a combination of what I want, and how things should be.
First of all, talking about Chris kills me. Hearing his name, hearing her name. It's like a blow to the face, I really can't stand it. People say things like "it doesn't matter, he doesn't go to our school"
But teenagers are fucking dumb, and everyone has connections. His school is down the street for godsakes. When I say down the street I mean literally, I could walk to his school. It doesn't help that his girlfriend was on my bus this morning and he afterschool. It doesn't help anything. I try my best to act like I think I should, but how is that exactly? Seeing his girlfriend made me feel like a bitch, it made me scared, it made me feel ugly. That's a good word to describe it. She is so pretty I actually felt like killing myself in that very moment. Of course I'm not as good as her. Of course.
The thing I have trouble dealing with is how much this has damaged my self confidence. I used to think I was alright, that I was someone that was pretty to alot of people, and normal to most. I used to think that my personality was really infectious. I mean, I liked to think that. But now I'm not so sure. I love this boy. Not exagerating. I know what love is. I know what its like to love someone, although there is a substantial difference between being in love and loving someone. And I have never been one for change, I am so obsessed with the small picture that when things are alright I want them to stay that way. It kills me at night to lay there and think about who Chris was, who I was, who we were together. I get myself thinking these things and then I think "How could I ever let that go?" Those are the times when I am set on having a friendship with him.
But the more thought I put into it, the more I try to have empathy for his situation and how sees the world. I just think, why the trouble? I mean, I know if I just weasled out of his life, let myself stop texting him, calling him, making hangout efforts it wouldn't do anything. He wouldn't call me telling me he missed having me as a friend, he wouldn't text me saying we needed to hang out. I feel like if I did let myself go through with something as painstaking as this, a part of me would feel like it was missing. A part that he's grown to just withold since the end of grade nine last year.
It's just getting to the point now where it was so long ago I can't talk about it, I feel pathetic. I can't say anything to him because he has moved on from me (Or so he says) I like to think that sometimes i'm a penetrating thought in the back of his mind. Something I have been a very teensy bit, but nevertheless there.
What I'm trying to say, is that I need to find a happy medium between great close friends and strangers. Honestly, more than anything I wanted to be his great friend. It was getting to that point again I'm not going to lie, but then those feelings just came back and caused a huge problem. I'm convinced that he's never going to put my feelings first. I mean, he's taken advantage of me for so long, why stop now? I'm like just this other person to him and I wish he'd realize how hard i've tried to be there for him. But as my father always says, why would you want to have a relationship or friendship with someone who doesn't want to have one with you? I can't do all of th work.
Hopefully I can teach myself to backoff without any strings attached. After everything, I just want him to be happy and leave him with his girlfriend. Like, of course I want to punch him in the face when I think hard about it, but I've caused so much trouble. This isn't my place anymore and in my defense he has fucked up my life so much that I can't even eat dinner with my family without it reminding me of how much I'm hurting inside.
I can't keep doing this to myself and him. I am feeling strong, and independant, and like if I focus on the right aspects of my life I can do this. I am so hurt, I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest and cut into pieces. It hurts to swallow, it hurts to be happy, any kind of glimpse of happiness I get I feel this immense pain that I shouldn't be happy, because I don't deserve it. I see people holding hands and my heart just aches because someone used to love me, but I put all the blame on myself no matter what oter people say. I can't hear a girls name thats her name because I picture her in his arms, them both being totally and blissfully happy and all control I have seems to disappear and I just want to melt into the floor and let the end take over me because being dead and having died from physical pain would hurt a thousand times less than this ever has.
It's a never ending daggar that just keeps stabbing at my heart and I can't take it anymore. Ever since saturday, or whatever day it was that I nearly drowned in my own tears streaming down my face and screaming "I am so done" I have known that this situation will have no shortcuts, and overall no happy endings. Karma is bullshit, and if your a good person life doesn't hand you lemons. It is not in the cards, life is an unpredictable thing, it is vile it is painful it is cruel and I am sure of myself that I can't predict anything. Anytime I expect life to lighten the load on me it just comes down that much harder.
At work today, I decided that although I wasn't texting him, I felt slightly empty and unwanted that I wasn't in his mind to text, but decided that the people at work are positive people. They put a smile on my face. They really push me to just exceed and work hard, and new friends are always exciting. My shift today was an actual blast, and i'm finally learning the ways of the Sportmart world, and I'm finally actually telling people where to find things rather than the other way around. School was miserable, since it was the first day back after two weeks, but I get another two weeks off soon in accordance to exam week. Hopefully that two week break will not consist of this heart break.
Good news is that tomorrow is Day A. The good news about that is I have science fourth block. Of course it means I will have to find time tomorrow to complete my homework, but it also means that I will have time to talk with Alyssa and tell her about my break and listen to her woes. I'm really worried now after her last blog. I don't want her to be in pain, and once the minimal pain starts its usually very rare that it stops before it gets worse. Mickey Vee, if your reading this I'm here for you! In the land of miserable and angsty teenagers I am the queen of despair and suicidal thoughts! I'm here!
XoKristen
At work today, I decided that although I wasn't texting him, I felt slightly empty and unwanted that I wasn't in his mind to text, but decided that the people at work are positive people. They put a smile on my face. They really push me to just exceed and work hard, and new friends are always exciting. My shift today was an actual blast, and i'm finally learning the ways of the Sportmart world, and I'm finally actually telling people where to find things rather than the other way around. School was miserable, since it was the first day back after two weeks, but I get another two weeks off soon in accordance to exam week. Hopefully that two week break will not consist of this heart break.
Good news is that tomorrow is Day A. The good news about that is I have science fourth block. Of course it means I will have to find time tomorrow to complete my homework, but it also means that I will have time to talk with Alyssa and tell her about my break and listen to her woes. I'm really worried now after her last blog. I don't want her to be in pain, and once the minimal pain starts its usually very rare that it stops before it gets worse. Mickey Vee, if your reading this I'm here for you! In the land of miserable and angsty teenagers I am the queen of despair and suicidal thoughts! I'm here!
XoKristen
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