Sun makes me happy!

Sooo Today was the last day of the first semester! It's kinda cool, knowing that i'm halfway done my grade ten year. It's kind of shocking actually, because I know I still haven't really set into this life or gotten used to it at all. It's been really warm these past couple of days. Well, warm for Edmonton. Like above zero. It feels amazing walking home from the bus, like it's springtime or something. I opened the window in science class that faces the courtyard and all the ice was dripping down the window and dribbling and what not. It's really nice. Edmonton is so nuts, last year in January it was around -40 with the windchill. I remember in April of last year there was one weekend where it was over 20 above and the snow was pretty much all gone, but the week following it the temperature dropped to colder than -10 and it snowed like 20 centimeteres.

Oh fuck you Edmonton lol. But I'm not going to lie, the sunshine on my neck and the smell that usually comes with melting snow and spring time really has been making my mood alot more positive. It's nice walking around outside and not having hands that actually hurt from being outdoors.

So, I had my last Language Arts class of the year this morning. It's kind of stupid actually. I feel like in my classes (excluding drama) I never really get to know any of the people as individuals. You just kind of see them. Alot of the kids in my classes, I don't even know their names. And unlike Junior high there is really no connection between the teacher and the student. My Language Arts teacher, Miss. Clarke, still calls Caroline, Carolyn.

So, that wasn't sad at all. That class never really felt like we were a unit. Drama class was somewhat ridiculous today. I was pretty sad that it was our last Drama class in grade ten, not going to lie. We had planned to do an end of the year sort of production and get a bunch of classes to come and watch. The blackbox theatre can hold like 200 people or something, so it seemed kind of logical. But, when the class actually started at 12:41 we didn't even get our 'audience' and stage setups all finished until 1:30. So we didn't even finish the performances, and now we can't even say "Well after the two week exam break..." Because as far as we're all concerned, it's done!

Good news is, I sang in front of the class and felt like I did a very good job. Of course Andrea and Kyle nailed it. I expected that. The harmonies on my part were a little rough at times, and in the first verse of the song my voice cracked. But the amazing thing about drama class is that you never feel like anyone judges you, you feel like you have this immense support. It felt great to sing in front of all those people, I actually feel like I have a talent now.

The gay thing was, we didn't get the 200 viewers we had been expecting. Mrs. Forde initially told us that the blackbox gets packed during these pieces which didn't happen. There were MAYBE 50 people in the audience. Less even.

Kinda failed.

But it was a blatant success for the most part. The bell rang before we finished but it was nice to leave with so much pride. I just don't now what I'm going to do with myself now that I don't have my little safe haven everyday at third period.

So heh, you all knew this was coming. A moderate Chris update. I'm trying my best to avoid the subject but eh I have to say something. Lately I've been feeling very empowered with my quest to get over him. I still briefly feel like I can somehow get past my feelings for him and become his friend. But everytime that thought seeps into my brain, I resist the urge to whip out my phone and text him. I have never really been able to stop myself from contacting him and now I can. It's just like, let it be. It is what it is, and you can't change it. I know now really that I need to stop putting things so lightly to myself, and I have started being very blunt in my mind and imagining the worst. I was so angry yesterday because of just facebook and recently added pictures. I think it's just finally starting to hit me that he doesn't give a shit, and I think I'm learning that by acting the way I am I'm not doing anything for him to think of me any differently. Part of me still gets bummed when I realize how winter break wrecked this friendship thing, now he is hesitant of us hanging out. Though he is, i'm not jumping at the chance to spend time with him because I feel like if I'm the only one trying, then what's the point? He doesn't text me anymore I just kind of give in every once and awhile.

So lately, I've been having really strange dreams. I used to have nightmares about his girlfriend, I'm not going to lie. Just dreams where she could do everything and I nothing. Or ones where everyone talked about how beautiful she was. But now I'm having dreams where I'm in relationships with random people. Like people i've met along my life path. It's the weirdest thing it's kind of like What does this mean?

I mean it's kind of funny, but you know. So, that's just my conclusion. Let what is, just be. I am going to accept the fact that I can't do anything. The only thing that still bugs me is seeing him on the bus and how ridiculous we act towards each other. Like we're these good friends that have no stress in our lives. "How was your day?" "oh it was lovely, and yours?" We just seem to ignore the problems. And then there was me texting him last night and he said "We may be able to hang out but no more cheating okay?" It's like yeah, because that was all my fault.

Okay crossing the need to know information line. ONE MORE THING! Our first cheer competition is on the 7th of February and I'm kind of excited. We tried on our cheer sizes last night. They are so small, but make me look so skinny it's kind of flattering lol.

Anyways, I'll write later.

See ya
XOKRISTEN