Wow this just doesn't get any better does it?

I'm starting to have somewhat of a positive outlook on this world. It came to me today when I was reciting a speech I would give to someone in my head. About how I try my best to see myself the way everyone else see's me, because that's the reality of my life. Our minds kind of just trap us all, make things bigger than they actually are.

Well, at least that's what I tell myself. Just so I can hold onto my own insanity. For some reason the only thing that keeps me somewhat stable is knowing that other people go through this, that this will happen to most people in their lifetime, and that it's just some teen drama thing.

I try my best to make my situation seem like its unimportant. I mean, it is, technically. Just right now, I've been positive because there is nothing else to be. Life just kinda keeps on going. I go to school, I come home. I go to work, I come home. I just can't really do anything else. There's this one phrase that has been lingering in my mind this entire week. Something I keep picturing myself saying to Chris. It's a bit dramatic but its "I not only think your completely over your feelings for me, but I think your completely over having me in your life"

I dunno. I guess if I were him I'd do the same thing, partially because I know if there is anything left between us, he's not going to let anything happen. Not that I really want it to, because I don't really think I need the grief. But, part of me feels like he just wants me gone, but yet the other half feels like he knows that he can't talk to me if he wants me to stop having feelings for him. It sucks. Little things just remind me of everything and I just think about how quick the goodtimes seemed to come and disappear. I think they were shorter than the bad times when I think about it. It was like four months, and it's almost coming to the four month mark I think. Since I've been unhappy, miserable and dramatic.

Eh I dunno anymore. Talking to him on the bus for the brief ten seconds I see him is like talking to wallpaper. He doesn't really care, nor do I think he wants to care about what I have to say. I have his stupid Christmas card sitting here with the giftcard to starbucks, it's ironic really. When he gave it to me I had this feeling that it might mean we could go more often. He even said that he would pay the next time we went even though he gave me a giftcard.

Sucks. Now I say things to him about hanging out and he avoids the question altogether. It's sad. I know winter break is what did it. But then when I start regretting it I think, well if it didn't happen then, it would have happened somehow someway. We would end up becoming strangers anyways. I'm trying to embrace it. Trying to see it as a new beginning.

As well, as I expected, resisting texting him and talking to him has done nothing. He just stops texting me too. Not a word from him these days. I still can't believe when I write about it I still get that pang of pain right in that little spot on the left of my chest. It's like, am I really that terrible? I did all I could I really did. But today he got on the bus and his girlfriend was out there and he watched her until we couldn't see the school anymore and I just thought about how terrible this world is. I always try to think everyone else goes through this, but then they all find someone else.

Even my broken hearted cousin has moved on from her boyfriend that she had for nearly a year. This really cool girl in my drama class named Andrea has a new boyfriend and I was like entranced by them today watching them flirt and being all young and in new love and what not. It made me melt, but at the same time I considered cutting my wrists.

Chris is terrible. He really is.

Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Aammmmmmm saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad. Lifffffffffffe sucks.
Fuck.

:( :( :( :( :(