Happy Birthday Elly? :(

Happy day off! Thursday and friday of this week are happily teachers convention! I am very excited about the next three days, because I am leaving for Calgary to see my cousins tomorrow! I am in a good mood right now because I haven't done a thing all day except for sit here. I'm a bit sad because it's Elly's Sweet Sixteen Birthday today and she is having a dinner thing with her friends and I couldn't go. She doesn't believe that I couldn't go, she believes I'm not going because I mentioned something about Chris' ex whatever she is was going. It sucks, because it was a poor thing to say on my part. Elly asked me why I wasn't going and the legit reason was because I have cheer tonight, I already missed last Thursday and I need to miss this Sunday's because I;ll be in Calgary and I just wanted her to be aware that I was nervous about hanging out with Sarah and everything and she just believes that I blew her off on her birthday because I have no guts and I can't move on from Chris and yeah. So I sent her a text saying Happy Birthday and she ignored it. It's awesome. Like I don't even do this, I don't get into fights like this with my friends. I haven't done this since like grade 6 where somebody is childish enough to ignore me because I can't make a birthday party! It just makes me irritated.

And sad. So I do have cheer tonight, the entire time I'll be thinking of Elly probably telling people and Sarah that I'm not going because of her. Which again, isn't true. Everyone knows it, I like Sarah I think she's insanely nice especially to me after every stupid thing I've done. Elly doesn't believe that I'm happy now, that I'm not depressed. Like at the moment I am a happy person because I feel like I have moved on which she doesn't see and it's just so stupid how hard I'm trying and someone that is supposed to be one of my bestfriends just gave me a lecture about moving on. Don't quite like that.

I am even more excited about Calgary for a couple reasons because 1: I bought skates at my work FINALLY and went skating to the Silver Skate Festival with my mother on Saturday and I had alot of fun. And when I was young and we would visit my cousins in Calgary there was this creek and we would always go skating there and I REALLY want to go there. And 2: I went shopping last night and spent a ridiculous amount of money on four items and I am so excited to actually wear them. They have been hanging up sacredly in my closet all day today and every so often I peek in there just to look.

I bought a pair of 250 dollar jeans, the True Religion Brand. And, just so you know those jeans are usually like 400 dollars. The jeans that I really wanted were darker jeans with white stitching that I was in love with but were... 400 dollars lol. And thats just a bit too much over my budget. Although I did spend 250 dollars on jeans anyways. My mom actually bought me this amazing pink sweater from Aritizia and I bought a pink cute shirt from Urban and this really nice bag from urban outfitters.

Basically I am just incredibly shallow and self obsessed with my appearance but I don't care! I am so excited to wear my jeans. I am also SO happy to leave Edmonton, I don't care that Calgary is only three hours away. Its good enough. Lisa and Rebecca got to escape to Cancun, Chris is actually in the Domincan right now, and Keltyn may perhaps still be in DisneyLand. I just want to get out of this stupid godforsaken city so badly. I haven't left since last Summer when I went to miquelon lake. I know, that's a wonderful thought.

So basically, I just have a few days to look forward to and yeah.

I really wish Alyssa would write a blog lol. I don't talk to her that much it seems! :(

One can Only hope.

Alyssa never writes me blogs anymore :(. LOL She never wrote for me persae anyways. But I definitely miss the insights into Alyssa's world. I think my insights are kind of scatterbrained and crazy! In my opinion anyways. I had work tonight, and I am home now at my mothers house. She kind of went crazy the week I was away. She bought a new insanely comfortable office chair for me and a couch for the room next to mine where my friends and I hang out in. She moved everything around and I love it. I feel very comfortable, I actually adore my house.

Anyhow, I am so tired. Work tonight was very uneventful, except for running from a homeless guy with Laney. The back doors of our work lead into this back road that has probably twelve garbage bins and it kills me but there are homeless people that actually make little sleeping places for themselves in them. It makes me sad, but it also terrifies me to have to take the garbage out, just little blonde Kristen and little blonde Laney Rae out there on our own in the dark. It was entertaining though.

I am hesitant to say much about work, Laney explained to me that my youtube video and mentioning that I get paid to do nothing killed me. It really did. I got in alot of trouble from the whole thing. I'm tired though, and I do have a lot to an extent that I want to talk about. Actually, no that's a lie. Without pain in my life caused by Chris I am kind of a mellow being with no really reason to rant about things.

The only thing that makes me uncomfortable is that Elly's birthday is next Thursday which also happens to be Teachers Convention and Shake! She;s going out for dinner before and then were all going and I want to go but Chris' ex girlfriend (If you can call it that they will probably get together again) is going to go. It's not that I dislike her or anything, after the last shake I really respect her and like her I just...I can't handle that. I feel like she is so above me and I am so jealous of her that it hurts me to even hear her name. Like it hurts me, it makes me feel like an ugly failure and it's only seconds before my self confidence disappears. I can't handle that, and I don't think I could handle the conversations we would have at Shake not to mention the way I would be sizing her up the entire time which I have done before and figured out that she is so pretty and more talented than me that I wonder why on earth I even try?

Rebecca and Lisa are coming back from Mexico on Sunday. Dare I say it, but its been kind of nice hanging out with some new people this week and not having Rebecca's angry parades. It's nice. I just wish I could get away, I don't know I feel very trapped by people because everyone I have befriended, literally, has like known Sarah somehow. It's hard, I want a new beginning so bad, and I want to be confident again so bad but it's like this world was made for me to have bad feelings about myself.

I can barely do cheer, I failed my math test and I know exactly why I did, I don't feel like I am pretty in any way, I feel like I am tall and ridiculous and just uncoordinated. My feelings about myself are just so disgusting and as much as I try not to blame other people I just feel like screaming that Chris has done this to me but what can I do.

I'm just self absorbed I guess. I'm fine now, I'm just here. I function normally, I don't fucking study, but I get by. And I still hope I'll get out of this something good for myself.

One can only hope.

XoKristen

Get up, Get Out, Move On.

So, what to say about life as of now? Well, I have been painfully busy these past couple of weeks. Or days, I should say. I have been working alot, another interesting factor was that I got written up because of my behaviour at work. I want to go into depth but it's a little un-smart for me to write about situations on the internet.

I have recently decided that I recently cross a line whenever I write on this blog. Like I am scared for the people that read my thoughts. Everyone makes me feel like I am extremely stupid for not even considering the things that people will say if they read this, but in my mind I guess I just imagined that I would get readers that are not from my world, from somewhere other than my circle of friends, and just have people that can read it and agree. I've been a little hesitant to slow down what I write because I kept hoping that somehow these people that go to mac, or Jp, would just stop reading my personal stuff. Technically it's not too personal since I post it on the internet which is up there for everyone else to see.

I just feel dumb for going into such depth. I'll try to slow it down a bit until I am no longer an idiot and tell the world all about my feelings for Chris, who did Admit the other day that he reads them. That's embarassing.

I am in a bad state of mind right now because I feel like I cannot decipher what I am feeling. Like, there are a few people that I just care about so much, and they don't care about themselves at all. And it worries me, I feel like a mother or something. That person that they get aggrivated with when I try to help. I really care about these people but I don't... I don't want anything to do with people who cause me to stay up all night worrying. But at the same time, I don't have the strength to tell them to stop talking to me. Because I don't want them to, I just wish they would stop and get a grasp on their lives.

So I'm sad about that you know? I look at my life, and the length of it as opposed to my grandfather who came over last night and has been around for almost 80 years, and my father who has been around more than three times the length that I have been around. And I just feel like I don't have the tools just yet to handle alot of the things that I am being faced with. Because of that I feel like I'm being a huge drama queen but I can't help but feel like I am without guidance with all of this. I feel completely and utterly alone, and tortured by my friends and the things they are doing. Is that selfish or what?

The only conclusion I can come to, is to distance myself. But really, how many times have I said I would back off and try to help myself for once? Once? Twice? Three times? Probably even more than that. I just want the summer back so bad. I want my friends back, I want them to stop doing fucking drugs. Stop doing E. I'm proud of myself for once that I can sit back and not cry about it, but at the same time on the inside I feel wretched and torn.

I am that person who just talks and talks about how much I want them to stop but they won't ever listen to me. I fucking hate my position, but I need to be done with this. I need to do myself a favour. Especially when I was reflecting today about my attractions for certain people and how they are actually out of control. Fuck man.

XoKristen

Speaking of over analyizing....

So you probably can't point me out in this picture. If you start at the left of the circle, the small girl on her knees is Nadine, then Katrina, and then myself. Eh, that probably doesn't help but yeah.

Thanks to the magic of Facebook, I have come by a few cheer photos. I'm not going to lie, I have waaaay to much pride in the fact that I'm on a cheer team. Like I'm actually too proud. I've come across this subject many times, you know the one where I feel like I'm a poser cheerleader. Sure I may be on a team and everything but the rest of the girls have practiced cheer for so long and trained their bodies to do Libs and Arabescs, and I can barely do a roundoff. I suck!

I have so much more to talk about but Morgan just called me so i'll ttyl.

Xokristen

Fail!

I am one thoughtless individual. I just got home from seeing "He's just not that into you" I went with Elly and Sareet and I laughed my ass off and had a really good time. My life is starting to open up before my eyes and I'm enjoying it. I am having immense fun being me. I am learning to not become caught up in little drama's in my life because I need to be above it. I can't really express my feelings because I just feel like a bleeding heart. One who feels happy, but I still have my moments of discomfort. Hearing his name, seeing him, as I speak I'm listening to the sound of Cribs on MTV in the backround and the girl's house they are showing must have a boyfriend named Chris because she keeps saying "This is Chris's" And so fourth.

I had my first cheer competition ever today! It was nerve wracking, but not as bad as I had anticipated. When I was little I was quite the bowl of nerves. Everything I did would give me a stomach ache and now I barely bat an eyelash. I didn't get a nervous stomach ache today, the whole butterfly shebang, but when we were called to warmup behind the curtain before we did our routine I was sweating and shaking. That is a kind of nerve that I'm not used to having. I really couldn't tell you how we did. I was so pumped up, but so nervous. I know I did ridiculous facials for the audience, and I know that most of my stunts worked. But it was just a shouting, cheering, loud rap music blur. The minute I stepped off I was thinking "I did it!"

We got some feedback from Rebecca's sister Katie who was watching. She has been in cheer for awhile, and apparently it wasn't as good as I had hoped. Our jumps were apparantly off and our timing in the music was terrible too apparently. I still think we did for our first competition ever. We won gold in our division, because we were the only ones in our division. Our makeup and hair was ridiculous. I was so greasy climbing into my moms car afterwards. I had like three pounds of hairspray in my hair to make this bump for bangs and a really fat and teased ponytail. My makeup was like red and gold all the way up to my eyebrows. It was a bit terrifying. I joked to the girls on my team that I looked like a drag queen. (We all sort of did)

The piercing thing I didn't really need to worry. When we were going to warmup, Corey had a little container and said "Everyone with piercings!" and I just took my nose ring out quick and simple and my stomach ring and it was all okay. When we got off that was like the first thing on my mind though and I was so incredibly shaky I couldn't get my stomach ring in and I was begging Lisa to help me, she extended a hand and then she was shaking. I'm not exactly sure why my body did such a thing because we'd ran over the routine about 8 or 9 times at practice and I was probably way more tired then, then I was at the competition today.

But at least I consider it a success! I'm proud of us. I know the other girls probably wern't too thrilled. Most of them are used to High School Routines and fast clean routines, and ours seemed like it fell apart at the seams a little bit. But, I got a little gold medal and a gold ribbon and when I got home I tacked them on my little corkboard. I feel a bit of a poser even though I did work to get them, but there are girls that are actually tops and don't just sit and lift people all day long like myself.

I'm tired though man, I have another competition next weekend in Red Deer. Kind of dreading that. I feel like "Yes, I did it! I finished that competition!" But then in just one more short week I'll be back where I started. And I was incredibly nervous. Kind of scared to feel that way again. But I have to admit, the adreneline rush kind of blinded me. Hopefully the next competition and then the next one and next one just makes us get better and better and eventually we just kick ass hard.

That'd be a nice accomplishment for me. LOL, I didn't realize it was only 10:30. I will not be able to forgive myself if I go to sleep at 10:30. So I think right now I will go and work on my science Brochure.

That'd be a good plan. And notice how I barely mentioned Chris! Yeah! It's getting better. But, I miss him. I needed to say that.

LOL.

XoKristen.

What coffee does to the brain

I am somewhat of a crazy person today. I feel so incredibly sleep deprived that I am so over tired that everything is funny and everything is an exciting adventure. It's like I'm high, no kidding. I had to work tonight because Matt Sawler wanted me to take his shift. Because I'm so nice, I accepted the invitation, which actually was a shift in disguse because it was stupid tonight!

Not only did I get to work and do several dumb things in a row including climbing into the car with my backpack on my back and forgetting it was there, tried to figure out why I couldn't clock in at work and realized that the computer was not in CAPS LOCK!, Almost fell off a ladder and tripped and fell in the tech shop and nearly cut my face open on a skate. (that's a bit dramatic, but it's cool)

The second I got a break I got this huge Mocha Frapaccino with so much coffee in it which was a terrible idea because I hadn't really eaten anything for the past couple of days, I hadn't really slept. I feel like a complete mess. Now that the coffee is wearing me down, I feel like there are bags under my eyes a mile deep. No kidding, work was terrible today. This guy Collin was the keyholder. In case anyone is wondering a Key holder is somebody that is like the manager on shift at the moment. The person who counts the till and puts it into the computer and gives everybody jobs and what not. He just recently was allowed to close on his own, and ironically at this same time he lost the store keys in the West Ed parking lot and might owe the store 200 dollars. Not only that, but he just turned 17 so he is barely over a year older than myself. He is this very stern faced boy who is in like grade 12 calculus and he doesn't have alot of a sense of humour and its very hard to tell if he's angry or kidding. Anyways today i thought we were all kidding around and I told him to chill as a joke and he yelled at me to SHUT UP and it was quite scary to be honest. I spent the rest of the night sweeping everything and I felt really bad because I don't very much want to be known as the employee who doesn't do anything. Because I do try hard, it just depends on the day. And today there was a guy from another SportMart helping with Inventory prep and he was talking to me the entire time and Kelly was working which meant she distracted me. The probes (They are the cameras, Laney named them probes) are always watching and I forget these things when I am chasing Kelly around the store with a jock strap in my hand.

Not a smart choice on my part. But I was a little off the deep end today as well. The guy that came from a different sportmart to help held my interest the entire shift. It's comical because he wasn't like a stud either, he was kind of this short guy who knew his stuff about bikes and snowboarding and had silver teeth and was around my age and Kelly insisted that he had a crush on me but I was just having fun doing some flirting like a blind person. He was charming, or at least I thought he was because I was so bloody tired. He left without saying bye though and I was a little sad. He sharpened my skates and everything. And then when my mom picked me up and took me home, this one block behind Stony Plain Road for like 8 blocks was completely black. Like the street lights were out and the red, green, and orange stop and go lights were out and all the houses. I was on my coffee high at that time and insisted to my mom that we drove down Stony Plain to try and find the comotion and then later to follow these cop cars down into a neighborhood along the river valley. We found the police parked with a fire truck with this woman and her dog and a mysterious backpack. The entire drive home I was coming up with creative items that might be in the bag. Like crack, or body parts. My mom didn't like the second one. She said it was probably money, but I told her it was bound to be a body that washed up from the river. She didn't like that either, how odd.

And now, I am on a coffee crash. And my head is sort of irritating me and my bed is calling to me. It says "Come sleep on me kristen. Soft, Comfy. Meeeee, Sleeeeeep" I am pretty sure that I just lost my internet connection. STUPID wireless. I actually hate life. I mean, at least all of my three readers can sleep easy now knowing that instead of me being insanely angry and sad at the world I am actually just losing my little mind.

As for my bus ride today with good Ol' Chris, it was insanely awkward. I think he used to be a superhero once, like one with superpowers to make a situation incredibly one way and uncomfortable. He really is the most awkward guy I have ever met. I was telling him about how I fell today in the parking lot at school (A WHOLE NOTHER EMBARASSING, NO DIGNITY LEFT KIND OF STORY) And he said "That's super cool" he said that. He actually said super cool. I just laughed uncomfortably. I see him and I feel very sad inside at times. He is a very good and lost soul of a person and he just looks so tortured now. Tired and worn out, kind of like I feel. (And probably look too) I have this massive flaw about myself that I think the way I do things is going to make everyone happy. So, I learned that no one is really glorified by my wisdom and nobody really thinks of it as wisdom anyways. And that I just want to be congradulated and admired, more than I really care about fixing a situation.

I suck :D . Good news is I have learned things. Bad news is, I have no idea how to apply them to my life as of now. I have a cheer competition tomorrow and I am in fear of my life and the rest of my dignity after my fall today which sucked. My entire school basically was leaving Westmount which is the mall across the street from my school, probably like 500 kids. This car backs out and I start running to move out of the way like a little tool, and before I know it I am on the ground covered in slush and everyone behind me just goes "Ohhh" and I laughed really hard at the time because I knew Rebecca wanted to laugh at me because she's great like that. And I didn't want anyone else to think I was dumb. But once I got to guitar and everyone that was there which was a good quarter of my school had finished laughing at me I started crying because it was incredibly embarassing and I was so muddy and wet that my boots are permanantly stained and I spent 15 minutes brushing them and it still didn't work.

I was pretty sad. So, cheer competition tomorrow! Afterwards miss Elly pearson wants me to go and have dinner with her and Aaron somebody. I have a secret idea that she is in love with him and too scared to go on a date with him because she has dragged me along with her before when hanging out with him. LOL just kidding. But I do question why she always brings me. He knows who I am but we don't really talk. We're not even aquantinces. I just see him and think he's really goodlooking. (Haha don't tell anyone that) So everytime we go to hang out with him I admit I get a bit excited because he is a tad goodlooking.

Bad thing though is our cheer hair-dos and makeup applications are actually ridiculous. I will most likely need to clean my face with a sand blaster before I go anywhere with her and him. And as of right now, oddly I'm hungry. And tired.

LOL, imagine that. Me. Tired? Psht!

Lol goodnight I actually need to sleep for once in my life.

XoKristen

Words of the immortal Wisdom

I just sort of realized how boring my blogs are when my life is neutral and normal for once. When none of the screaming and hysterics about my broken life is in play, it's just kind of a breakdown about my piercings, my cheer, or my homework, or something else entirely useless altogether.

I'm not sure if you can tell, but I am exponentionally (not even going to attempt to fix the spelling of that) happier. There is no definite reason for it. People probably think it's because of the way everything has turned out as if it's turned out in my favour. (hah!) I have dreams about my life every so often and those certain people and I know that somewhere deep down I'm still quite mixed up about it all. The good part is though that I can handle what is being thrown at me as of right now. I can handle the relationship I have with him, an aqauntince to aqquantince thing. It's sad a little bit, but I feel like it's where it needs to be and in time if it goes away I will attempt building it up again. It is what it is you know. And I am just another powerless human being on this earth that needs to learn that things don't happen too her, but for her learning and her benefit. This whole thing has taught me so much about the way to handle problems, and the way to treat boyfriends. I am still embarassed when I think back to the things I said, and how I acted like nobody could make me happy. I now know what my father means when he says that your life is what you make it. He says alot of things that i often just roll my eyes too but are true.

One major point that has turned around for me is that in the mornings when I sit on the dark and quiet bus and listen to my ipod and a sad song comes on, a montage doesn't start in my head about every single person that I have lost as a friend and every single person that I won't ever get back. Instead, I briefly remember how good things were and think that maybe somehow I will be able to be even happier than that. It's just hard to wrap my head around the end sometimes, but all good things come to an end. We all know that. Nothing lasts forever, if it did we would never be congradulated at the end of our life with death.

I like to think that I'm a bit closer to finding out the true meaning to all of this madness and why we are put here in the first place. I just feel like myself and everyone around me is just failing whatever game that this life thing is. Like I try and try with my parents whom are really irritating me because I feel like no matter what I say it's wrong or disrespectful, and no matter what I do it's uncalled for. I can't go through a conversation with my dad anymore unless his money issues are mentioned or how disrespectful and dumb I am is brought up. To this he might say something like "I think you are being completley unfair to me right now and you need to learn to talk to me with respect" yada yada yada.

My dad has never even been the one to agitate me! But lately he is like 500 times worse than my mother. He has this thing where if I leave something to the last minute he freaks out and swears and goes insane. And I tell him again and again that although it may not look like it I am trying, but it's just a part of me, it's an accident to forget to mention to bring the 40$ cheque into cheer. I don't do that on purpose, it's like blaming me for spilling milk. Last night when I went on expedition one for a straight up and down nose ring and didn't find one at the place where I got most of my piercings I was in a good and jolly mood. I was glowing, happy, making my dad laugh and we just started walking back to the car and I said "Maybe that little Jewlry place has them, the Fx place" and he just looks at me and says "Well why did we walk all this way?!" And I start to defend myself saying that I didn't want to make him angry by making an out of the way trip and that I assumed we could just go home and then the coming friday I would go with my mom to look through the mall.

Instead, he acts like a child and leaves me standing in front of the bay all by myself, making a scene and exiting into the parking lot. (which by the way is far from the entrance to the bay! And I always get lost in there!)

So I called my mom, asked her if she knew any places while sitting all by myself in the crowdless mall. He left me like three messages telling me he was leaving the mall without me and stuff. I was tempted to just leave him, get on a bus and go to my moms and not tell him where I ended up and leave him to worry the entire night. Instead though I tried to find my way out of The bay because its like a maze in there and found him in his car all grumpy and stupid. It's so dumb. I know how much he hates out of the way trips, when something goes wrong and I am unable to fix it. I tried my best to eliminate that situation and he acts like a complete asshole. Living with my mom and Shawn is like a walk in the park compared to my fucking anal retentive father. I really can't stand him most of the time because he doesn't realize how hard I do try, I just forget all the time and I punish myself enough alone for that. If he's not yelling at me for having my boots a little off the front door mat, or leaving a tissue or a tiny speck of dirt on his stairwell, he's giving me a complete breakdown as to why my mom needs to pay for the cheer fees.

Ugh, I hate living here sometimes. He used to be my complete bestfriend but lately he is actually insane. The last time I was here he pounded my chest with his fist and I had a bruise there for a week, which I couldn't explain to people why my chest was purple because I didn't want to sound like a whiner.

Anyways, I had cheer tonight. I've been kind of on a bad place with Cheer lately. The whole piercing thing is a huge pain in my ass and try as I might I can't seem to understand the judges thinking as to why every little thing must come out. Good news is I went to the mall today with father and bought a little nosering from claires that was straight up and down. I went to the place where they actually pierced it and asked them if they could take out my current ring since it's all curly-q and what not, and the girl was a complete bitch to me! She was telling me and complaining about how easily the straight up and down ones fell out, she even added in briskly that if I sneezed it could fall out. She told me that it's low quality metal that I could be allergic and have an extreme reaction, she said that nose studs are not meant to be changed all the time and so it could really irritate the piercing. I didn't want to tell her I was in cheer and give her an explanation as to why I was doing this, because I didn't really think I cared or not if she thought I was stupid. It pissed me off a little bit because I do have my reasons. I have always had the little cork screwey ones, for like two years. But I can't remove those ones myself and no freaking good places in the mall sell straight up and down ones that are good quality. That girl just annoyed me. I need to take this sucker out pretty much every weekend for the next two months and it wouldn't happen with a freaking corkscrew!

In the end, I went to Metal Smiths after I got my new Claires one in. First of all, because the Claires one had no little ball on the end and was literally just falling out of my nose when I walked, and secondly because of the metal thing and my nose was getting all red for no reason. So I bought like a silver one, and it doesn't hurt me. I just had to bend it straight instead of in an L shape, which made it an I with a big ass. (Like a bump in it) So that stupid mean girl from Dragon FX would be happy about that. Although I highly doubt that because she was just so miserable.

As for the belly button ring, I asked Emma how to remove it and did so by screwing the top ball off. It was kind of disgusting not going to lie, it slid out of my stomach like a little worm or something. And the worst part was it was this huge bloody gaping hole. Unlike my nose piercing, it's not a thin little bar. It's a THICK bar and it left a THICK and wide diameter of a hole. It kind of freaked me out a little bit, seeing my stomach look like I had gotten shot or something. I regretted it for a split second, because when the day comes and I'm like 30 and I don't want it anymore, I will have a beautiful scar there. It slid out easy, and slid back in easy. The only thing though is that it's such a fleshy part of my body that I'm worried it will like, close up during the routine. (No lie, i'm weird like that)

But then I went to cheer, talked to a girl Jody on my team about her naval and nose, annd I felt better. She said her first competition she had to take her belly ring out all she could think about was her closing naval hole. So, I will most definitely be a physco on saturday because I have no doubt in my mind that like ten minutes before we go on the floor I will carefully manuever them out of me, put them in a safe place, and then the minute we finish I will grab them, run with my salene solution and put them back in immedietely.

LOL, I have fears.

But, I don't think I need to worry. One last thing, I am incredibly sleep deprived. I have been going to bed past 11:00 lately, just something I've been doing that I usually don't do. I get up early and in Social which is first block I find myself like trying so hard to focus on the sheet of paper in front of me, but it goes so blurry and so I narrow my eyes and then one falls and I struggle with this for a really long time. My head just rises and falls and the two seconds I give myself to put my head down on my desk is like heaven. The day before today was even worse because it lasted all the way through spanish class! I was yawning and curling up on my desk the whole time.

And then I realized that for this cheer competition on saturday, I have to be there at 11:30-12:00 which really isn't bad at all I expected worse, but I still won't be able to catch up on my sleep as much as I'd hoped. AND I agreed to take Matt's shift tomorrow from 5-10, I have a science pamphlet due on monday if I can find my fucking pencil crayons! Just too much stress in my brain that I cannot handle. I feel like in the next couple of days I am actually going to lose my mind. AND MY BELLY BUTTON DOESNT LOOK TOO GOOD!

*Sigh* I wish I knew all the answers. If I had one wish, that would be it. AND I AM CRAVING STARBUCKS MASSIVELY. But the only person who ever went with me was Chris, and he avoids my plans to hang out like the plague. Well, I stopped asking him about a month ago now. Only because I know the answer. Sad. I want everyone to be happy, including him and definitely including me. Keep your butts on the edges of your seats ladys and gentlemen. I am prepared for a fall from grace, and a hard one at that.

Oh damn.

XoKristen

So if everything were still unchanging...

I highly reccomend that if you were in cheer, or any sort of pierceless sport to NOT get piercings. I have a large amount of stress right now in regards to my stomach ring that I can't take out because it hasn't even been inside me for longer than two months. My nose ring is a fear of mine since it grew in once already and caused me large amounts of stress as it is. I'd prefer to not have to go through that AGAIN. Fuck. I have three days... or two, to figure this out. And I get highly stressed over stupid things. I went to the mall tonight with my father and had a mini meltdown and for once it wasn't because I couldn't find a place to get me an easy removable nose ring, but because I tried my best to act like a mature adult when Dragon FX didn't have any and my father freaked at me for walking such a far distance instead of going through the mall and looking for another piercing place.

My parents fucking suck. And I am now highly regretting cheer because who cares if my piercing gets ripped from my face? It's my fault! The stupid judges shouldn't care. I guess the good thing is that there are a few girls on my team with piercings, like as many as I have and it might make them stressed as well. I'm talking to one of them on facebook about my issues. I was planning on hiding my belly button ring but I don't know now how I willl be able to hide that. If my coach finds out he will backhand me. But maybe....somehow...undershirt...UNDERSHIRT! TUCKED IN UNDERSHIRT!....Hmmmm rules are strict though....hmm....

I will have to do some digging. My life is a bucketful of glowing stress. I saw Christopher Robin on the bus today it is very relaxing to know we can have decent humanly conversations without stabbing each other. As fake as they may be. LOL well not fake, but just somewhat of meaningless words that don't reflect my feelings on my end at all. But I do what I can to ignore what my brain says, it has wrecked me before. I was deleting some old ffacebook messages and got nicely mad at myself about how difficult I was. How people, namely Chris tried and tried to get me happy and I just said words from my ass about how I was sad and heartbroken and we were still together. I was more physco then, then I could ever be now.

I am learning things, I seriously question people that marry their highschool sweethearts. They must be either perfectly perfect at realtionships, or somewhat insane and unable to end a relationship. I question them.

So that is about my life in a nutshell right now. It was sooo warm today and sunny and I had a really good day. Although I was kind of freaked out that it was 11 above when usually at the beginning of february its closer to, oh I dunno, -40! No joke, last year during grade 9 Shawn used to drive Gage and I to school in this massive oil rig because it was too cold to walk or bus.

Grade nine. Those were the days.

I AM SO STRESSED ABOUT MY MOTHER FUCKING PIERCINGS OH MAN.

XoKristen

My finger is throbbing!

So I felt like writing a blog. And then I didn't feel like writing one so I closed my internet page and then i felt like writing again. That's kind of how my life is these days. A whole lot of mixed up feelings and thoughts. I mean, it's much better than being sad that's for sure. I'm definitely not...well shouldn't say definitely because I'm a wreck but I am not sad anymore as of this current moment and this past week.

Anyhow though I had alot of things to say before I sat down to write this. It usually happens, I narrate my life in my head when I'm experiencing things that seem blog-worthy to me. Anyhow I am feeling mixed up, although at the same time very selfish because I feel like I have caused other people to be very unhappy. I don;t even need to say names everyone knows who I mean.

I actually feel bad though. It's like wanting something to happen, and then once it does... it's not what you wanted for certain. I did NOT want this. And I have surrendered to the higher powers and I am no longer going to let myself peer off into the future and guess about where my fate lies. I dont want to know! I just know that right at this moment I want many things that I will never get and I need to learn to deal. It's like my dad always says, we're only human. He says alot of quotes like that, but it's the truest that it gets. We all make mistakes and the sooner we realize that and stop punishing ourselves for the things we do wrong. I mean, thats quite the hypocritical thing seeing as I blame myself for making certain people miserable.

Oh man, this world is the biggest mystery and it is impossible for everyone to be happy but I really wish it could be that way. This probably sounds like bullshit but I swear it's not. I have quite the high level of selfishness in this as it is. I already want my happiness before everyone elses. I am a dumb person.

Man Oh Man.

XoKristen