Get up, Get Out, Move On.

So, what to say about life as of now? Well, I have been painfully busy these past couple of weeks. Or days, I should say. I have been working alot, another interesting factor was that I got written up because of my behaviour at work. I want to go into depth but it's a little un-smart for me to write about situations on the internet.

I have recently decided that I recently cross a line whenever I write on this blog. Like I am scared for the people that read my thoughts. Everyone makes me feel like I am extremely stupid for not even considering the things that people will say if they read this, but in my mind I guess I just imagined that I would get readers that are not from my world, from somewhere other than my circle of friends, and just have people that can read it and agree. I've been a little hesitant to slow down what I write because I kept hoping that somehow these people that go to mac, or Jp, would just stop reading my personal stuff. Technically it's not too personal since I post it on the internet which is up there for everyone else to see.

I just feel dumb for going into such depth. I'll try to slow it down a bit until I am no longer an idiot and tell the world all about my feelings for Chris, who did Admit the other day that he reads them. That's embarassing.

I am in a bad state of mind right now because I feel like I cannot decipher what I am feeling. Like, there are a few people that I just care about so much, and they don't care about themselves at all. And it worries me, I feel like a mother or something. That person that they get aggrivated with when I try to help. I really care about these people but I don't... I don't want anything to do with people who cause me to stay up all night worrying. But at the same time, I don't have the strength to tell them to stop talking to me. Because I don't want them to, I just wish they would stop and get a grasp on their lives.

So I'm sad about that you know? I look at my life, and the length of it as opposed to my grandfather who came over last night and has been around for almost 80 years, and my father who has been around more than three times the length that I have been around. And I just feel like I don't have the tools just yet to handle alot of the things that I am being faced with. Because of that I feel like I'm being a huge drama queen but I can't help but feel like I am without guidance with all of this. I feel completely and utterly alone, and tortured by my friends and the things they are doing. Is that selfish or what?

The only conclusion I can come to, is to distance myself. But really, how many times have I said I would back off and try to help myself for once? Once? Twice? Three times? Probably even more than that. I just want the summer back so bad. I want my friends back, I want them to stop doing fucking drugs. Stop doing E. I'm proud of myself for once that I can sit back and not cry about it, but at the same time on the inside I feel wretched and torn.

I am that person who just talks and talks about how much I want them to stop but they won't ever listen to me. I fucking hate my position, but I need to be done with this. I need to do myself a favour. Especially when I was reflecting today about my attractions for certain people and how they are actually out of control. Fuck man.

XoKristen