My finger is throbbing!

So I felt like writing a blog. And then I didn't feel like writing one so I closed my internet page and then i felt like writing again. That's kind of how my life is these days. A whole lot of mixed up feelings and thoughts. I mean, it's much better than being sad that's for sure. I'm definitely not...well shouldn't say definitely because I'm a wreck but I am not sad anymore as of this current moment and this past week.

Anyhow though I had alot of things to say before I sat down to write this. It usually happens, I narrate my life in my head when I'm experiencing things that seem blog-worthy to me. Anyhow I am feeling mixed up, although at the same time very selfish because I feel like I have caused other people to be very unhappy. I don;t even need to say names everyone knows who I mean.

I actually feel bad though. It's like wanting something to happen, and then once it does... it's not what you wanted for certain. I did NOT want this. And I have surrendered to the higher powers and I am no longer going to let myself peer off into the future and guess about where my fate lies. I dont want to know! I just know that right at this moment I want many things that I will never get and I need to learn to deal. It's like my dad always says, we're only human. He says alot of quotes like that, but it's the truest that it gets. We all make mistakes and the sooner we realize that and stop punishing ourselves for the things we do wrong. I mean, thats quite the hypocritical thing seeing as I blame myself for making certain people miserable.

Oh man, this world is the biggest mystery and it is impossible for everyone to be happy but I really wish it could be that way. This probably sounds like bullshit but I swear it's not. I have quite the high level of selfishness in this as it is. I already want my happiness before everyone elses. I am a dumb person.

Man Oh Man.

XoKristen