One can Only hope.

Alyssa never writes me blogs anymore :(. LOL She never wrote for me persae anyways. But I definitely miss the insights into Alyssa's world. I think my insights are kind of scatterbrained and crazy! In my opinion anyways. I had work tonight, and I am home now at my mothers house. She kind of went crazy the week I was away. She bought a new insanely comfortable office chair for me and a couch for the room next to mine where my friends and I hang out in. She moved everything around and I love it. I feel very comfortable, I actually adore my house.

Anyhow, I am so tired. Work tonight was very uneventful, except for running from a homeless guy with Laney. The back doors of our work lead into this back road that has probably twelve garbage bins and it kills me but there are homeless people that actually make little sleeping places for themselves in them. It makes me sad, but it also terrifies me to have to take the garbage out, just little blonde Kristen and little blonde Laney Rae out there on our own in the dark. It was entertaining though.

I am hesitant to say much about work, Laney explained to me that my youtube video and mentioning that I get paid to do nothing killed me. It really did. I got in alot of trouble from the whole thing. I'm tired though, and I do have a lot to an extent that I want to talk about. Actually, no that's a lie. Without pain in my life caused by Chris I am kind of a mellow being with no really reason to rant about things.

The only thing that makes me uncomfortable is that Elly's birthday is next Thursday which also happens to be Teachers Convention and Shake! She;s going out for dinner before and then were all going and I want to go but Chris' ex girlfriend (If you can call it that they will probably get together again) is going to go. It's not that I dislike her or anything, after the last shake I really respect her and like her I just...I can't handle that. I feel like she is so above me and I am so jealous of her that it hurts me to even hear her name. Like it hurts me, it makes me feel like an ugly failure and it's only seconds before my self confidence disappears. I can't handle that, and I don't think I could handle the conversations we would have at Shake not to mention the way I would be sizing her up the entire time which I have done before and figured out that she is so pretty and more talented than me that I wonder why on earth I even try?

Rebecca and Lisa are coming back from Mexico on Sunday. Dare I say it, but its been kind of nice hanging out with some new people this week and not having Rebecca's angry parades. It's nice. I just wish I could get away, I don't know I feel very trapped by people because everyone I have befriended, literally, has like known Sarah somehow. It's hard, I want a new beginning so bad, and I want to be confident again so bad but it's like this world was made for me to have bad feelings about myself.

I can barely do cheer, I failed my math test and I know exactly why I did, I don't feel like I am pretty in any way, I feel like I am tall and ridiculous and just uncoordinated. My feelings about myself are just so disgusting and as much as I try not to blame other people I just feel like screaming that Chris has done this to me but what can I do.

I'm just self absorbed I guess. I'm fine now, I'm just here. I function normally, I don't fucking study, but I get by. And I still hope I'll get out of this something good for myself.

One can only hope.

XoKristen