Words of the immortal Wisdom

I just sort of realized how boring my blogs are when my life is neutral and normal for once. When none of the screaming and hysterics about my broken life is in play, it's just kind of a breakdown about my piercings, my cheer, or my homework, or something else entirely useless altogether.

I'm not sure if you can tell, but I am exponentionally (not even going to attempt to fix the spelling of that) happier. There is no definite reason for it. People probably think it's because of the way everything has turned out as if it's turned out in my favour. (hah!) I have dreams about my life every so often and those certain people and I know that somewhere deep down I'm still quite mixed up about it all. The good part is though that I can handle what is being thrown at me as of right now. I can handle the relationship I have with him, an aqauntince to aqquantince thing. It's sad a little bit, but I feel like it's where it needs to be and in time if it goes away I will attempt building it up again. It is what it is you know. And I am just another powerless human being on this earth that needs to learn that things don't happen too her, but for her learning and her benefit. This whole thing has taught me so much about the way to handle problems, and the way to treat boyfriends. I am still embarassed when I think back to the things I said, and how I acted like nobody could make me happy. I now know what my father means when he says that your life is what you make it. He says alot of things that i often just roll my eyes too but are true.

One major point that has turned around for me is that in the mornings when I sit on the dark and quiet bus and listen to my ipod and a sad song comes on, a montage doesn't start in my head about every single person that I have lost as a friend and every single person that I won't ever get back. Instead, I briefly remember how good things were and think that maybe somehow I will be able to be even happier than that. It's just hard to wrap my head around the end sometimes, but all good things come to an end. We all know that. Nothing lasts forever, if it did we would never be congradulated at the end of our life with death.

I like to think that I'm a bit closer to finding out the true meaning to all of this madness and why we are put here in the first place. I just feel like myself and everyone around me is just failing whatever game that this life thing is. Like I try and try with my parents whom are really irritating me because I feel like no matter what I say it's wrong or disrespectful, and no matter what I do it's uncalled for. I can't go through a conversation with my dad anymore unless his money issues are mentioned or how disrespectful and dumb I am is brought up. To this he might say something like "I think you are being completley unfair to me right now and you need to learn to talk to me with respect" yada yada yada.

My dad has never even been the one to agitate me! But lately he is like 500 times worse than my mother. He has this thing where if I leave something to the last minute he freaks out and swears and goes insane. And I tell him again and again that although it may not look like it I am trying, but it's just a part of me, it's an accident to forget to mention to bring the 40$ cheque into cheer. I don't do that on purpose, it's like blaming me for spilling milk. Last night when I went on expedition one for a straight up and down nose ring and didn't find one at the place where I got most of my piercings I was in a good and jolly mood. I was glowing, happy, making my dad laugh and we just started walking back to the car and I said "Maybe that little Jewlry place has them, the Fx place" and he just looks at me and says "Well why did we walk all this way?!" And I start to defend myself saying that I didn't want to make him angry by making an out of the way trip and that I assumed we could just go home and then the coming friday I would go with my mom to look through the mall.

Instead, he acts like a child and leaves me standing in front of the bay all by myself, making a scene and exiting into the parking lot. (which by the way is far from the entrance to the bay! And I always get lost in there!)

So I called my mom, asked her if she knew any places while sitting all by myself in the crowdless mall. He left me like three messages telling me he was leaving the mall without me and stuff. I was tempted to just leave him, get on a bus and go to my moms and not tell him where I ended up and leave him to worry the entire night. Instead though I tried to find my way out of The bay because its like a maze in there and found him in his car all grumpy and stupid. It's so dumb. I know how much he hates out of the way trips, when something goes wrong and I am unable to fix it. I tried my best to eliminate that situation and he acts like a complete asshole. Living with my mom and Shawn is like a walk in the park compared to my fucking anal retentive father. I really can't stand him most of the time because he doesn't realize how hard I do try, I just forget all the time and I punish myself enough alone for that. If he's not yelling at me for having my boots a little off the front door mat, or leaving a tissue or a tiny speck of dirt on his stairwell, he's giving me a complete breakdown as to why my mom needs to pay for the cheer fees.

Ugh, I hate living here sometimes. He used to be my complete bestfriend but lately he is actually insane. The last time I was here he pounded my chest with his fist and I had a bruise there for a week, which I couldn't explain to people why my chest was purple because I didn't want to sound like a whiner.

Anyways, I had cheer tonight. I've been kind of on a bad place with Cheer lately. The whole piercing thing is a huge pain in my ass and try as I might I can't seem to understand the judges thinking as to why every little thing must come out. Good news is I went to the mall today with father and bought a little nosering from claires that was straight up and down. I went to the place where they actually pierced it and asked them if they could take out my current ring since it's all curly-q and what not, and the girl was a complete bitch to me! She was telling me and complaining about how easily the straight up and down ones fell out, she even added in briskly that if I sneezed it could fall out. She told me that it's low quality metal that I could be allergic and have an extreme reaction, she said that nose studs are not meant to be changed all the time and so it could really irritate the piercing. I didn't want to tell her I was in cheer and give her an explanation as to why I was doing this, because I didn't really think I cared or not if she thought I was stupid. It pissed me off a little bit because I do have my reasons. I have always had the little cork screwey ones, for like two years. But I can't remove those ones myself and no freaking good places in the mall sell straight up and down ones that are good quality. That girl just annoyed me. I need to take this sucker out pretty much every weekend for the next two months and it wouldn't happen with a freaking corkscrew!

In the end, I went to Metal Smiths after I got my new Claires one in. First of all, because the Claires one had no little ball on the end and was literally just falling out of my nose when I walked, and secondly because of the metal thing and my nose was getting all red for no reason. So I bought like a silver one, and it doesn't hurt me. I just had to bend it straight instead of in an L shape, which made it an I with a big ass. (Like a bump in it) So that stupid mean girl from Dragon FX would be happy about that. Although I highly doubt that because she was just so miserable.

As for the belly button ring, I asked Emma how to remove it and did so by screwing the top ball off. It was kind of disgusting not going to lie, it slid out of my stomach like a little worm or something. And the worst part was it was this huge bloody gaping hole. Unlike my nose piercing, it's not a thin little bar. It's a THICK bar and it left a THICK and wide diameter of a hole. It kind of freaked me out a little bit, seeing my stomach look like I had gotten shot or something. I regretted it for a split second, because when the day comes and I'm like 30 and I don't want it anymore, I will have a beautiful scar there. It slid out easy, and slid back in easy. The only thing though is that it's such a fleshy part of my body that I'm worried it will like, close up during the routine. (No lie, i'm weird like that)

But then I went to cheer, talked to a girl Jody on my team about her naval and nose, annd I felt better. She said her first competition she had to take her belly ring out all she could think about was her closing naval hole. So, I will most definitely be a physco on saturday because I have no doubt in my mind that like ten minutes before we go on the floor I will carefully manuever them out of me, put them in a safe place, and then the minute we finish I will grab them, run with my salene solution and put them back in immedietely.

LOL, I have fears.

But, I don't think I need to worry. One last thing, I am incredibly sleep deprived. I have been going to bed past 11:00 lately, just something I've been doing that I usually don't do. I get up early and in Social which is first block I find myself like trying so hard to focus on the sheet of paper in front of me, but it goes so blurry and so I narrow my eyes and then one falls and I struggle with this for a really long time. My head just rises and falls and the two seconds I give myself to put my head down on my desk is like heaven. The day before today was even worse because it lasted all the way through spanish class! I was yawning and curling up on my desk the whole time.

And then I realized that for this cheer competition on saturday, I have to be there at 11:30-12:00 which really isn't bad at all I expected worse, but I still won't be able to catch up on my sleep as much as I'd hoped. AND I agreed to take Matt's shift tomorrow from 5-10, I have a science pamphlet due on monday if I can find my fucking pencil crayons! Just too much stress in my brain that I cannot handle. I feel like in the next couple of days I am actually going to lose my mind. AND MY BELLY BUTTON DOESNT LOOK TOO GOOD!

*Sigh* I wish I knew all the answers. If I had one wish, that would be it. AND I AM CRAVING STARBUCKS MASSIVELY. But the only person who ever went with me was Chris, and he avoids my plans to hang out like the plague. Well, I stopped asking him about a month ago now. Only because I know the answer. Sad. I want everyone to be happy, including him and definitely including me. Keep your butts on the edges of your seats ladys and gentlemen. I am prepared for a fall from grace, and a hard one at that.

Oh damn.

XoKristen