More Jumbles of words and confusion

Things are too hard to handle sometimes. I think, alot of it is just being trapped in a teenagers mind. It's like, I want to be happy and alot of the time I feel like I'm determined to do so. But then the other half, everything is just so pointless and so dreary it's depressing. I guess, it's because its such a big place out there. It's easy to lose yourself. I am still trying to figure out how to control my emotions. I might feel completely sad, but I don't have a reason to be. And I have learned that the saying "The past is the past" Isn't a good one. Because if you forget the past, it becomes that much easier to repeat it. Forgiving people for things they've done, lets history repeat itself. And lately, it seems that everyone I meet is somehow connected to that one person. I don't feel like I can do it anymore. To be this person that few people know the name of. I have no self confidence left, it's actually retarded. And even worse, lately I've found myself thinking some of the things I used to think back before Christmas.

And that's what happens when you try to forget the past, things repeat themselves and a vicious cycle starts. Look at any situation, and you'll see what I mean. I just feel very confined, but lost at the same time. Very misguided, but very determined. I feel a million things at once, and it's hard sometimes for me to stay focused. I mean, I want to be. I don't want to let myself down, or other people.

I'm sure this all very hard to follow, I know I'm being really vague. But all I can say is I'm losing myself, again. It doesn't seem like happiness exists for me. I was telling Carson tonight that anytime it gets close, I lose it.

But yeah, I mean I'm just a jumble of things. Someone who feels like she can't escape anything that has happened in her past and when she does things start to happen again! So, anyhow I have school up again tomorrow. Sunday nights are actually the worst. I'm not sure when I work this week, but I can tell you that I don't feel like working at all. I'm already anticipating next weekend before it's even begun. And this weekend disappeared so quickly because of Cheer. I have had the most weekend because of cheer, I actually love it.

So busy. And So tired.

XoKristen

Stay tuned! Hah.