First iPhone publishment!

Is publishment a word? It sounds like punishment. Anyways, I'm watching beverly hills 90210 with my father. Craving

chocolate eggs, wanting some milk. I was at chris' earlier. I left my mr. Noodles there. And I'm currently worried about the swine flu!

Kmay

The sun is getting warmer!

If I could be anything in the entire world, covered in the billions of people that there are; I would choose to be completely and 100% myself one hundred percent of the time. Not this morphing monster where somedays I feel as if I couldn't even be myself if I tried because I don't know what that is.

Around different people I'm a different version, and I don't know if thats something I can just simply turn on or off. When I'm around Zaina I am crazy and ridiculous and I rant and I joke and I act completely free. Something I feel is one of a version that is exactly who I am. Around Lisa I can tell her whatever I feel, whatever I'm thinking, and I don't really need to edit anything out. Even around Chris I feel like I don't take a second thought to go through the words I say. But the issue there, is that I almost always get embarassed or regret what I say afterwards. Will that ever change?

I don't like putting together a future in my mind, because I never really understand what it will consist of. I try to see what will happen with certain friends, and it terrifies me because if I can't even imagine it who says it can ever happen?

I don't even know. I'm noticing changes in myself lately and with my relationships with my parents. My father, well I don't trust him so much anymore since on friday we had an intense fight that went down. He smacked me across the face and I decided I just wasn't going to cower away and so I grabbed the phone and booked it out of the house. He literally chased me down the street and tackled me in the grass putting me in a headlock. I don't really know if I should consider that abusive or if I should feel sorry for myself, or whatever. I just know that I wanted to tell someone but I didn't want to complain and the bruises that have arisen on my arms make me feel incredibly sorry for myself but I don't really acknowledge them.

This weekend I noticed that as I used to sit inside every weekend and shield myself from the world because I was so sad, I have become someone that can't sit still. I can't not make plans. I went tanning again today, I ran around with Chris and Daniel last night. It was a bit lame since I didn't have much planned but I was incredibly giddy seeing as I spent the saturday before with the two of them and that I was running around in the river valley without a coat. Summer is approaching and I am hoping that the next weekend I'm at my moms I'll be riding around with Stephanie in the River valley with a darkening tan from my sessions. Cross your fingers for me!

So, school again tomorrow. Whatever. and Work. But I'll write again later!

XoKristen

DISTURBIA!

I'm just sitting here currently. Trying to find something to do. It's kind of funny how within a couple of months I have managed to usually prefering to just go home and hide in the shadow of my life rather than go out on a school night and make plans, too wishing I was out somewhere at least doing something. I'm very bored right now. I got to visit Zaina today at her work. She works at a tanning salon and I managed to get in there and buy some minutes for the first time ever and get a tan. It was a very interesting experience and I'm excited to go back and get more brown than my pasty little body is at the moment.

As well, I'm just in a very contemplative mood. I was thinking about why, well theres no point really to go into depth about it. I guess I just expect big things alot of the time. After how great I felt after Tuesday night and how I felt like I got my best friend back I kind of expected for him to ask to hang out with me. I don't think I'm expecting too much, I think I'm just being irrational and like he's pointed out before, paranoid. 

XoKristen

Mathematics, Tanning, and My father...

So I don't know what it is, But lately my father who for most of my life with divorced parents has been my best friend, has been my most annoying, irritating and frustrating enemy. It's sad because I don't really understand what has changed. I was contemplating whether maybe he is just turning into an old man, and because he hasn't found complete happiness maybe hes turning a bit bitter. Or maybe its me, just successfully graduating into my annoying teen girl years even though i've been a teen almost three years, and becoming more and more selfish.

But I'm not sure. The thing with my father is with every single thing that comes out of my mother is either;

a) Disrespectful

b) Victimizing

c) mean

Everything I say he either goes into a ridiculous rant about how I'm being disrespectful to him as my parent. Or I am being mean to him and cutting him down and making him the victim.

And when the time comes that I just give up and mumble fine, he tells me to stop feeling sorry for myself. I literally cannot stand him and it's strange to have my mom becoming my best friend and someone I respect and try to avoid fighting with instead of my father. He is becoming the most annoying person in my life right now. I love him to death but I haven't done anything differently and it's like he just doesn't give me a chance.

Somehow I thought maybe it was because of the judgements he makes about all my friends. I usually agree but he rags on Chris all the time and Rebecca, not really 'ragging' but just making jokes at their expense, like he knows them. And I started to tune into what he says, about how he's such a know-it-all, and I have caught him a few times being wrong. I used to think he did know it all, but now I'm not so sure. He can't possibly know the reasons for Chris's doings, nor can he possibly know why Rebecca is distancing herself from me.

Not even I know that and she's supposed to be my best friend. And I'm still figuring Chris out. So anyways, tomorrow is Thursday. I praise the lord for the four day week. Good news with my math class, I have a spot in Math 20 Pure next year. I am going to study hard the rest of this year, because my teacher has praised me and brought my mark up from a 59% to a 60% just so that I can be qualified for this class next year.

Math stresses me out. I guess I didn't do as well on that Unit Exam as I thought that I did. ON ANOTHER NOTE, 4/20 is this upcoming monday. I think its ridiculous. Everything and every kind of stereotype I have ever had about smoking was that it was extremely addicting but fun and interesting and new. It's none of those things. Weed is the most pointless thing I could ever come across. I feel bad about lying to my father about doing it, but I think he would probably not give me a chance to explain how little I need it. How it doesn't really do much to me, and isn't THAT fun, and I could definitely be told to stop today and never do it again.

And I am going tanning tomorrow, for reals! I get tanned really easy once I get a base but it took me ten years last summer to get a base and I am not doing that again! Because I was starting to get brown in September and then it snowed. So, Fail!

XoKristen

From blizzards to birds and sunshine... Canada Sucks.

Sometimes it's very strange. How some people you come across in your life are very easy to be around. It's like the sun is just the only thing behind you, with this warm glow on your neck. The first day you meet these people it's like you've been in their life for years rather than seconds or minutes. Then there are the others that you spend months trying to break through that barrier that makes the air incredibly awkward and tense when your around them.

Why is that? I don't understand the connection between some people and the absence of it between other people. We're doing Social dance in gym class if I haven't already mentioned and I was kind of putting together my conversations with some people. How with this one boy named Bryce whose wicked sweet and very lively and kind instantly warmed up to me and made me feel like I'd known him for ages and there wern't any awkward laughs or nervous anythings because I was just having fun. It's similar with Elly, It's like a month after I met her I was considering her my bestfriend already. She literally is one of the best friends I have and I only came to talk to her in October and it's April now. I can't imagine not having her around at this point.

And then there are people like this one boy whom I have hung out with once and ever since then we don't say a word to each other in the hallways, when there are only four people on the bus his glance just flickers at mine and then away again and it's as if no matter what I would to ever say to him it wouldn't change the fact that he and I are never going to be friends. I have friends that at the moment I feel as if I know every single detail about them down to their core and it's not necessarily a good thing because there is too much bad in them and negative energy to possibly outweigh the good in them. And of course the ones that I feel completely in synch with that I know everything and they are the perfect friends.

And then there are the ones like Chris, like Lisa, Morgan. Keltyn. People who no matter how close to them I get there is always something else to learn about them. That they never stop surprising me and I can't think for one second that I could possibly predict what they are going to do with their lives. I am ecstatic that I hung out with Chris today, not to sound insane. But I have always dreamt of being his bestfriend without all the drama of having a crush on someone. I'm just glad like I said, to hang out and make friends without any stress.

So, all is good in the world of Kristen. It's content, except for the schoolwork part which I hate to admit is probably more important. I'm a very happy person as of now and I can't help but anaylze at times how far I've come from being a rock at the bottom of a fucking river to someone that accepts the cards she's delt. Even when Chris was talking to me about dating and how he's tired and can't handle it I felt like it didn't matter because he was telling me something important to him and I should feel honored to get to share that. I'm a lucky person to have 'made up' with Rebecca, to have Caroline and Lisa and Chris now, and Elly. And to have the drama gone as if it never began. But maybe not completely, because ever so often a picture will surface and my heart will delicately crack. But I am proud of myself for being so rational. For not being crazy much anymore. For being me without being too crazy about it. 

XoKristen

Memoirs of my easter weekend!

Unfortunately, Easter long weekend has come to an end. I'm a little anxious to get back to  school only to have the week finish faster. Luckily since we had Monday off, it's only a four day week that I have to endure.

For the most part, my weekend was pretty good. I went to glitter last night with Lisa, Caroline and Rebecca. It's a dance party that is run by the same group that runs shake. The club though is located on Whyte Avenue, this Avenue on the other side of the River that has tons of shops and bars on it. It was a neat place, not as cool to me as Empire, but just as good. When we first got there it looked pretty lame, and I  don't know any South Side kids and they don't know me so unlike Shake I was walking around knowing no one. As well, it was completely empty when Lisa and I arrived despite her urgency to get there early so that the tickets didn't get sold out. That was embarrassing for her. But it turned out to be incredibly fun just dancing with my girls and what not.

But the boys were irritating, all the ones I didn't know being gross and trying to dance with you. This one got my cellphone number, I gave it to him so he would let me run away to my friends and this one number has been calling me non stop since yesterday and I had a strong hunch it was him, and I was definitely right. He texted me, asking if he could call me, and I just deleted the message. I'm not about to make friends from random places with random people.

I saw the Hannah Montana movie today with my cousins, which was good to see them and good to get out of my dads miserable house. It's so gloomy here, and I get irritated quickly because he has this lineup of shows that he watches back to back and claims the loft for the entire evening and I'm stuck in the dark on the main floor.

I saw Chris and Daniel Saturday night, that was brief but good to see them. I am beginning to cope with my stray thoughts and I am completely fine with the relationship I have with those guys. I have thrown my arms up unconciously and I am done with fighting the emotions in my head when I don't need to. I am done with being crazy and obsessive and paranoid like Chris has labelled me before, just let the pieces fall where they may. I will fight for things that I want to fight for, and If they aren't worth it, they aren't. I have been crazy I really have. My thoughts are just out of control sometimes.

Anyways, back to the chopping block or so they say, tomorrow. I am going to experiment with bus routes hopefully. I don't want to end up at school at 8:30 anymore! As well, Since zaina works at a tanning place now I'm going with Stephanie to build my base. Lol, i'm actually very excited to get tanned.

But I'm feeling like a snack and some easter chocolates! Until the pen stops writing!

XoKristen

More samples of my insanity

Currently on my mind right now:

• Miley Cyrus is my hero, but has strangely emotional facial expressions when she's singing...
• I'm re-reading the Twilight Saga because I have nothing to do with my life nor my time, and I would rather spend the empty time I have reading something that made my life complete for a few months when I had a mental relationship with Edward Cullen.
• Tamam wrote a song in guitar today, she wrote the melody on the guitar, the words. Pretty much everything. But I created a pretty nice picking pattern and learned how to play Let it be on the piano/guitar because I transferred it over! yay me!
• I have to work tomorrow... and saturday. If I have to work any other days my head might explode because its the Easter weekend!
• I think I bombed my math test...
• I have to work.
• I don't like working so much.
• I wish it wasn't easter but rather a long weekend with PD days because I want to hang out with my friends... whom fortunately, or unfortunately (depends how you look at it) all have families that aren't broken like my lovely family appears to be!
  
• THERE IS A NEW SOFTWARE COMING OUT FOR IPHONES! TEXTING  LANDSCAPING AND SENDING PHOTOS! WoooooOoooOOOooo!

Hahahah thats pretty much it. I realize that's a lovely little list, but that's all I feel like doing right now... listing things. I made a KandKLINK video today...well it doesn't really count because It was just five minutes of me rambling on my moms new ikea couch and talking about how my life is dull and boring which, is a dull and boring topic.

So I am basically in love with Twilight all over again. I must be an idiot to become so captivated in the book all over again. I have read the entire four books, and the leaked copy of Midnight Sun on the internet, yet I'm reading New Moon a second time and it was just as magical as the first. Except nothing is really suspicious or mind boggling because I already know that Jacob Black is a werewolf!

And in other final news, I was very tempted to drive my moms car the other day at Superstore when she handed me the keys and said I could wait in the car. I'm kind of tired of not having a learners. I'm going to be sixteen in give or take a month, and if I were smart I could be getting my license rather than my retarded learners. 

My mother is a stubborn little old lady. She wouldn't take me to get it today... so she leaves me no other choice.

I'll just have to kill her.

Just kidding!

XoKristen

The sunny sun is coming back!

So, I am giddy with the excitement that comes with the spring season! This past week it has warmed like ten degrees more than usual, and as I was running around my house after school today I was taking note of the sun and how even the glow of the sun reminds me of the summertime sun. It gets dark after 8:30, and the smell and draft of being outside is that of the summertime.

I couldn't be more excited. Even as I write this my bedroom window is wide open, wafting beauteous warm air and I just caught a glimpse of half a dozen kids running down my block in front of my house shouting. (And don't worry, that's a good sign)

So, last thing is I have like three tests this week all on the report card that will matter next year. And it is kind of stressing me out. I have a social MidTerm tomorrow. I haven't even looked at my notes. AND I don't plan too, because the last one was completely random. I studied the stuff we learned, but the questions were out of this world and entirely all over the place.

I kind of hate school. I kind of hate how I am scrambling to get my learners and it's always in the back of my mind as well as passing math. I NEED TO PASS MATH. Fuck. 

Well, peace out. I bought oatmeal cookies and I'm going to go and eat some.

XoKristen

Down To the wire

DOWN TO THE WIRE!! It is definitely Sunday night (Loud groan), and I have school first thing tomorrow morning. I'm not really look forward to it, but I'm not really dreading it. My father said that it would be difficult over the phone to me today. I don't think it will. I've been waking up so early all of spring break. I went to bed last night at 2, and first awoke around 8:30. My body's clock refuses to work with me. I haven't really had a good sleep in like I wanted.

So anyways, good thing is that tomorrow is day A. Which means I don't need to deal with Spanish, I don't need to deal with Math. But I want to force myself to do math at least an hour every night until my test. I am terrified about my unit exam. I don't feel like I can do it, and I am not trusting myself in the slightest to do well. And I can't afford to fail another test. Nor can I afford getting a 55%. I want a 70. Or an 80.

So I was going to talk about how I have decided that the only bad guy in my life is myself because I create situations in my head and I just have been thinking about how I go on about Chris and my feelings and my worries and stuff. I just, i'm like the most typical girl you will ever meet. I am the stereotypical insane woman. I am controlling, I am crazy, I am paranoid. I don't think of myself that way, but I know NOW that I am. So I wanted to go in depths about it and kind of scold myself... but mentioning math is stressing me out. I HAVE to look at my review booklet at least a little bit before I go to bed right now.

Fucck. I need to do good.

XoKristen

Here it goes, here it goes, here it goes again

So, spring break is over fairly soon! A week is such a short time in my mind, it just kind of whizzes by. Especially since I haven't really done much. I had an okay enough day today. I slept over at Morgans which usually consists of the same laughs and giddyness that errupts when the two of us get together. And then we usually go to sleep rather early and shortly after we wake I go home. I'm leaving for work here in a few minutes, and I have to walk today since my father has a dentist appointment but it really doesn't matter.

I'm a bit sad, one of my biggest pet peeves is when people don't respond to my phone calls or text messages or something. It's probably just because I'm insecure, infact I know it is. But it still makes me feel very vulnerable and the anxiety just grows and grows the longer it takes for them to say something and I honestly feel right now that Chris is never going to speak to me again. That's how insecure I am. I've been sending him text messages give or take everyday since monday. And the only thing he replied to, was the one where I asked him if he was dead and he said Ya and left it at that.

I'm really worried. I'd like to be selfless and say it's because I'm worried for his well being, but actually i'm worried because this stress is getting to me. Because I am worried that he is pulling some sort of stunt to never speak to me again. I full out believe that. And I know it's probably just because I'm crazy, but I am concoting all of these possibilites in my head and I haven't done anything! The last time I saw him I was getting of the bus with Chris Liu and I gave him a massive hug and he didn't seem to mind. And now I am being borderline insane, tracing my steps. I'm trying to think if I said anything to anyone, If I said anything to him. If I didn't say something? I don't know whats wrong with me, why this affects me so much. But all I can say is that at least this time I'm not lying on the floor crying and screaming at the dead air in front of me. Which, uh haha I probably have done. Now i've just been kind of quiet.

I don't like the kind of person I am right now. I should never let anything I do be determined by one person and the things they do to me. If he is mad at me, I might actually break because he hasn't said a thing to me. And it's been going on for a few days. But I've done this before, I've jumped to conclusions. One thing that just popped into my head is my blog where I said that I hated him. I just pray that that's not it. I feel so vulnerable and scared and sad. I'm so scared.

Fucccccccck. I am a pathetic individual. I hate highschool, I hate the direction of my life, I hate myself. I hate me.

xoKristen.