If I could be anything in the entire world, covered in the billions of people that there are; I would choose to be completely and 100% myself one hundred percent of the time. Not this morphing monster where somedays I feel as if I couldn't even be myself if I tried because I don't know what that is.
Around different people I'm a different version, and I don't know if thats something I can just simply turn on or off. When I'm around Zaina I am crazy and ridiculous and I rant and I joke and I act completely free. Something I feel is one of a version that is exactly who I am. Around Lisa I can tell her whatever I feel, whatever I'm thinking, and I don't really need to edit anything out. Even around Chris I feel like I don't take a second thought to go through the words I say. But the issue there, is that I almost always get embarassed or regret what I say afterwards. Will that ever change?
I don't like putting together a future in my mind, because I never really understand what it will consist of. I try to see what will happen with certain friends, and it terrifies me because if I can't even imagine it who says it can ever happen?
I don't even know. I'm noticing changes in myself lately and with my relationships with my parents. My father, well I don't trust him so much anymore since on friday we had an intense fight that went down. He smacked me across the face and I decided I just wasn't going to cower away and so I grabbed the phone and booked it out of the house. He literally chased me down the street and tackled me in the grass putting me in a headlock. I don't really know if I should consider that abusive or if I should feel sorry for myself, or whatever. I just know that I wanted to tell someone but I didn't want to complain and the bruises that have arisen on my arms make me feel incredibly sorry for myself but I don't really acknowledge them.
This weekend I noticed that as I used to sit inside every weekend and shield myself from the world because I was so sad, I have become someone that can't sit still. I can't not make plans. I went tanning again today, I ran around with Chris and Daniel last night. It was a bit lame since I didn't have much planned but I was incredibly giddy seeing as I spent the saturday before with the two of them and that I was running around in the river valley without a coat. Summer is approaching and I am hoping that the next weekend I'm at my moms I'll be riding around with Stephanie in the River valley with a darkening tan from my sessions. Cross your fingers for me!
So, school again tomorrow. Whatever. and Work. But I'll write again later!
XoKristen
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