Soul Destroying Nature?

The funniest thing about life, is that the minute that it takes a turn whether for the worst or the best, it seems like your entire outlook is that of the direction that it's headed. I found myself so lost before when I just recently realized, with my own self righteousness that it had nothing to do with Chris, or anything in my 'unhappy' life, but had to do with the whole idea of everything.

I think that when you've never dated before, when you're just a good and new to the raw and terrifying prospect of heartbreak it's almost like this suffocating cloud over your life. I've always said that to build your entire emotional stability relying completely on one person, is so bad and utterly stupid that i'd never do it. I've always told Emma not to do it, I've told Rebecca, even Caroline in brief instances. And here I am, the universal feeling of being forgotten those 8 months ago and it was as if I've died.

I get it back, and now I'm so open to the world and I can see things better than before it seems. But why is that? It's like as a teenager we just prepare ourselves for disaster. I realized one very important thing though. And that is, that the breakup never hurt me and probably wouldn't have as badly if it wasn't the first time i'd ever been in a relationship that mattered. I was just a walking drama queen and as much as I look back on that and flinch, I don't want to look back. I have conversations with Chris and something will come up and it's like something just stung me in my heart because my mind took me back there to the times when I made MYSELF miserable. I just didn't want to get out of his world and I caused myself grief because of it.

If i've learned one thing, one thing that I hope I can carry for the rest of my life and that is if a relationship has things that you notice aren't right, you shouldn't waste your time trying to fix it. Chances are you're not the only one feeling problems. It's a hard thought to grasp but I think being who I am, and teenagers being who we are, we just cushion reality in our minds and tell ourselves over and over again that yes, we aren't good enough, but no, nobody could possibly think THAT thing or THIS thing about us. Well they can. My best friends have told people they've hated me, People have told people I'm stupid and they want to forget me, people are just going to let me down. I sort of wish I'd known about how harsh the world is before I got so caught up in all of this.

But the good news is that for now, I feel as if I'm repeating the best days of my life in a newer version. I don't care if i've said that I can't live in the past, or If i've said that you can never go back to a relationship, I really don't care. Because I want to live in the moment for once in my life and not bring myself the grief and soul destroying nature that comes with thinking about the future. I'm just going to be a kid and live it up. Not waste my time with the specifics. 

That had all been my demise. It won't be anymore. Everything is just going to be chill and fantastic. And if I fall down, then fuck all of those who kicked me there. Seriously. I Just want to live without regrets and I haven't had any so far.

Peace out!

XoKristen