Strawberry Swing

So i'm just thinking, about being happy. About being blissful, about being loving and happy. Partially because Coldplay just does this to me. I feel like Coldplay just, wow I can't even verbalize right now.

I'm watching Beverely Hills 90210. I don't really know why I'm making a blog. I definitely have nothing to say. I didn't do much today that really deserves a rantful blog. My mother just spent probably 500 dollars today on clothing for the two of us. For me:

24$ Shirt from ESprit
39$ Shoes from TownShoes
110$ Jacket from Aritzia
30$ Tank top from Aritizia
185$ Uggs from Stoneridge

And that's just myself. She bought herself the same 110 dollar jacket, and shoes. I feel guilt, But I feel excited to wear them. It's already Wednesday tomorrow, and I have work which will keep my mind off of anything thats off the beaten track. Even though everything is. I have work Thursday too. It will keep my mind off then, of worrying about certain individuals that will be roaming the Edmonton Streets popping pills.

Oh, it never ends. Good thing, a realtor and some people came to look at our house tonight. As well, my father is making an offer on the house in Grovenor that I want to live in so badly. I'm excited to get out of here now. I love this place, but I feel like it hasn't been my safe haven nor has it been full of very happy memories. Just painful memories.

Oh well! I'm going to watch the rest of 90210 now :)

XoKristen

I wonder if the sky is bluer on the other side?

Today is Monday! Any other monday and I would be grovelling on the floor, probably in bed at this hour and worrying about something for Tuesday. But tonight my friends, Is an evening during Spring break and it could not be sweeter. Well, that's a lie. It definitely could be alot sweeter. But, It's sweet enough. I get to...well I don't really get to sleep in tomorrow because I have a retarded Doctors appointment. But, Alls well because I have no plans for the rest of the week and I'll probably just spend my sweet time sleeping and day dreaming. So that's pretty great.

Today I hung out with Chris2. LOL I don't know if you can see that, but it says Chris Squared. I actually had so much fun with the two of them, and it was strange. I told my father and he laughed and said it was like I was going backwards again. I just can't get enough of those two, and seeing him, however stupid the non asian Chris was being yesterday, I just kind of sweltered with love for them. It was bad on my part, I was just so blissful being in their company that I couldn't stop hugging them and everything, probably freaked them out. But I'm a girl, and I am allowed to do these things.

It's just nice sometimes to feel like everything is back to normal. (Even though it's not) I just really miss them. It was a big deal too me, not to the white Chris but I don't really care. Because for once, I didn't feel like shouting my hatred in all directions and with all octaves of my voice. I just felt like hugging them and embracing the fact that they were actually with me, together. For perhaps the first time in four months. For once though, I'm trying not to anaylze this. Because planning a future, does nothing. Because no one, can determine what will happen. And I am tired of setting road maps to myself and when they errupt in flames, it really sets me off.

I just love my friends, Chris doesn't care if I'm gone but I care if he's gone and I care for seeing the Asian Chris more than I have and I just care about them so much I would really jump in front of a bus for either of them. As creepy as I realize this sounds, I would do this for most of my friends, and I usually feel this way about Lisa, Caroline or Rebecca. But these feelings have just been renewed and it's nice to have this breath of fresh air.

So, on my moving update. My father apparently had a mix up with the bank this afternoon and it cost him 3000 dollars. It's all very confusing to me, how would a large company like that allow themselves to make a mistake that would cost one of their customers 3000 dollars and not compensate for it? He announced this to me in front of Chris squared, and I told him very briskly that he doesn't have 3000 dollars. On top of that he is pretty certain we won't get that house in Grovenor. It's kind of disappointing. I want to get out of here sometimes more than he does.

I have no plans in stone tomorrow, and I have work on Wednesday. I don't want to go but I am reminding myself of the cash that I will get if I beat budget this week for my commission. I am very anxious to hang out with friends after today because I feel very confident. I'm very strange, I realize this. But it's nice. It is definitely nice.

Currently, I am a thousand degrees warm. I am thinking about going to bed but I just gave my blog page a complete facelift. I don't know why. Alyssa doesn't blog anymore, and my only audience is a few stragglers. I used to have quite the audience from Chris' schoolmates. I don't think they read it anymore. I'm pretty certain that I'm old news.

So, goodnight. Doctors appointment tomorrow at the Mall down the street. I am terrified, last time I had an 'appointment' they had to take blood from me. I don't want them to take my blood. My blood is MY blood. It belongs in my arm, in my legs, in my brain, in my heart. The prospect of sticking a pointy thing and damaging my poor vein makes me shudder. I could never be a vampire.

*Shudder*

XoKristen

More Jumbles of words and confusion

Things are too hard to handle sometimes. I think, alot of it is just being trapped in a teenagers mind. It's like, I want to be happy and alot of the time I feel like I'm determined to do so. But then the other half, everything is just so pointless and so dreary it's depressing. I guess, it's because its such a big place out there. It's easy to lose yourself. I am still trying to figure out how to control my emotions. I might feel completely sad, but I don't have a reason to be. And I have learned that the saying "The past is the past" Isn't a good one. Because if you forget the past, it becomes that much easier to repeat it. Forgiving people for things they've done, lets history repeat itself. And lately, it seems that everyone I meet is somehow connected to that one person. I don't feel like I can do it anymore. To be this person that few people know the name of. I have no self confidence left, it's actually retarded. And even worse, lately I've found myself thinking some of the things I used to think back before Christmas.

And that's what happens when you try to forget the past, things repeat themselves and a vicious cycle starts. Look at any situation, and you'll see what I mean. I just feel very confined, but lost at the same time. Very misguided, but very determined. I feel a million things at once, and it's hard sometimes for me to stay focused. I mean, I want to be. I don't want to let myself down, or other people.

I'm sure this all very hard to follow, I know I'm being really vague. But all I can say is I'm losing myself, again. It doesn't seem like happiness exists for me. I was telling Carson tonight that anytime it gets close, I lose it.

But yeah, I mean I'm just a jumble of things. Someone who feels like she can't escape anything that has happened in her past and when she does things start to happen again! So, anyhow I have school up again tomorrow. Sunday nights are actually the worst. I'm not sure when I work this week, but I can tell you that I don't feel like working at all. I'm already anticipating next weekend before it's even begun. And this weekend disappeared so quickly because of Cheer. I have had the most weekend because of cheer, I actually love it.

So busy. And So tired.

XoKristen

Stay tuned! Hah.

newest update ;)

hmm, I have not written in awhile. I haven't had much to say. I have come to the conclusion that if you make yourself think that you are in a bad situation, you create a bad situation for yourself. It's like, when you're cold. And all you think about is how cold you are, you really feel alot colder than you would be if you were thinking of something else.

So, when all I think about is how wretching my life can be. Or, how hard it is to be happy and get by, I just make things harder than they need to be. I dunno, with Chris gone to the Domincan, I've just been normal. All the pain that i've been, however I think it has made me stronger was more or less been made to feel even worse because of my negative thinking. I even told Lisa that today at lunch. That I'm such a pessimist that it's almost retarded.

And this is where the catch is. Somedays, I feel completely empowered, I feel like calling Chris' other ex girlfriend or sending her a message and explain why I've been so weird and make an effort to get to know her so I can move on with my life. And then some days, It's just as if it were October all over again. I get these regrets and I start thinking that there is no way I should let myself move on because this is my life and Chris is my friend and I can't let him go. It's such contrasts that it drives me crazy but I am definitely not dwelling on any of it as I once was. It doesn't really claim me. I worry about it a bit, like the next Shake I really don't want Chris and Sarah to go because I won't be able to handle seeing them together. But who knows, maybe by then I will.

I don't even know anymore. I don't think anything I do is really safe either. I don't trust myself to put myself out there just to see what happens. It's like I don't really know how I actually feel because I'm such a mess. I feel really terrible about Elly's birthday, like in hindsight I think about it I still wouldn't have gone because I did have cheer. But before I was glad I missed it because I was so petrafied thinking about seeing Sarah because the minute I even see a photo I compare myself to her and in every single way it's like I lose the comparision.

But now, I just kind of wish I had put myself out there. I dug myself a hole, I really did. All the new friends that I've made an effort to be friends with, are like directly connected to that world. I laughed today I said to Lisa "Could I really have picked a worse group of people to try and befriend? They are all best friends with her, who has unresolved things with him, who causes me to feel like my life is over." This is where I feel like people don't udnerstand sometimes that I don't want anything to do with those people because they remind me of how much the first months of Highschool sucked for me.

And there were a few people I really wanted to be friends with. It just wouldn't work. She's her, she has perfect hair, her pictures from shake made her look like the sweat barely touched her and I left looking like a sow, and then theres just me. There's little old me who is trying to get into her crew of friends. I don't even know why I try sometimes. A large part of me feels like a strong person, and feels like I can just back the fuck off and move on. But a small voice in the back of my head reminds me of last summer. I was thinking last night how scared I am for summertime to come along. It'll be this reminder that I can't dwell, like the last hit. He made my summer. And we most likely won't even talk this summer.

I can't predict the future but sometimes I just wonder why I do this to myself when I could have just been free. I could have been like the rest of my friends with stress of homework and work, but instead I just have the added stress of feeling worthless.

I don't know what to tell myself. I got to get out of Edmonton this weekend to visit my cousins for a couple days. It was really nice, and I miss my family. Sometimes I just wish that I had siblings, or somebody in my life that was my escape. I think that person is probably Morgan or Keltyn, but I never see them. And I love them, and miss them. And I feel completely lost without my bestfriends sometimes, and I do love Lisa and Rebecca but I think I just feel like they have each other and that I need somebody. I'm sad alot of the time, but at the same time. I'm really not.

OH! and I spent 300 dollars on jeans last week.
They are beauts.

XoKristen