newest update ;)

hmm, I have not written in awhile. I haven't had much to say. I have come to the conclusion that if you make yourself think that you are in a bad situation, you create a bad situation for yourself. It's like, when you're cold. And all you think about is how cold you are, you really feel alot colder than you would be if you were thinking of something else.

So, when all I think about is how wretching my life can be. Or, how hard it is to be happy and get by, I just make things harder than they need to be. I dunno, with Chris gone to the Domincan, I've just been normal. All the pain that i've been, however I think it has made me stronger was more or less been made to feel even worse because of my negative thinking. I even told Lisa that today at lunch. That I'm such a pessimist that it's almost retarded.

And this is where the catch is. Somedays, I feel completely empowered, I feel like calling Chris' other ex girlfriend or sending her a message and explain why I've been so weird and make an effort to get to know her so I can move on with my life. And then some days, It's just as if it were October all over again. I get these regrets and I start thinking that there is no way I should let myself move on because this is my life and Chris is my friend and I can't let him go. It's such contrasts that it drives me crazy but I am definitely not dwelling on any of it as I once was. It doesn't really claim me. I worry about it a bit, like the next Shake I really don't want Chris and Sarah to go because I won't be able to handle seeing them together. But who knows, maybe by then I will.

I don't even know anymore. I don't think anything I do is really safe either. I don't trust myself to put myself out there just to see what happens. It's like I don't really know how I actually feel because I'm such a mess. I feel really terrible about Elly's birthday, like in hindsight I think about it I still wouldn't have gone because I did have cheer. But before I was glad I missed it because I was so petrafied thinking about seeing Sarah because the minute I even see a photo I compare myself to her and in every single way it's like I lose the comparision.

But now, I just kind of wish I had put myself out there. I dug myself a hole, I really did. All the new friends that I've made an effort to be friends with, are like directly connected to that world. I laughed today I said to Lisa "Could I really have picked a worse group of people to try and befriend? They are all best friends with her, who has unresolved things with him, who causes me to feel like my life is over." This is where I feel like people don't udnerstand sometimes that I don't want anything to do with those people because they remind me of how much the first months of Highschool sucked for me.

And there were a few people I really wanted to be friends with. It just wouldn't work. She's her, she has perfect hair, her pictures from shake made her look like the sweat barely touched her and I left looking like a sow, and then theres just me. There's little old me who is trying to get into her crew of friends. I don't even know why I try sometimes. A large part of me feels like a strong person, and feels like I can just back the fuck off and move on. But a small voice in the back of my head reminds me of last summer. I was thinking last night how scared I am for summertime to come along. It'll be this reminder that I can't dwell, like the last hit. He made my summer. And we most likely won't even talk this summer.

I can't predict the future but sometimes I just wonder why I do this to myself when I could have just been free. I could have been like the rest of my friends with stress of homework and work, but instead I just have the added stress of feeling worthless.

I don't know what to tell myself. I got to get out of Edmonton this weekend to visit my cousins for a couple days. It was really nice, and I miss my family. Sometimes I just wish that I had siblings, or somebody in my life that was my escape. I think that person is probably Morgan or Keltyn, but I never see them. And I love them, and miss them. And I feel completely lost without my bestfriends sometimes, and I do love Lisa and Rebecca but I think I just feel like they have each other and that I need somebody. I'm sad alot of the time, but at the same time. I'm really not.

OH! and I spent 300 dollars on jeans last week.
They are beauts.

XoKristen