Sadness growing inside!

I don't want it to end. I don't think it will. But I am so concerned with him and how he's making me feel I really am putting myself on the end of the scale that no one really would enjoy being on. It's a reoccuring trend. Chris does something, something happens. I say something, go overboard. Then I'm scared something will happen between us, and I feel stupid and the need to apologize for saying anything in the first place. He says "Its okay" Hugs me, it's all over. But still, deep down, underneath the plastic smile I feel like crying. Or dying. Or something.

I don't know what to do. I feel like screaming, jumping off a building. I feel like crying,I feel like breaking down. I feel like never going back to school, I want Chris to hug me. I want to be told that its okay. I want him to tell me he loves me, I want him to say that he knows hes made bad choices but he still cares about me and what I have to say. I want drugs to disapear. I'm slowly wrecking a relationship with someone i really care about, I am constantly feeling guilty about feeling the way I do. Like I shouldn't. I'm making him act weird towards me, I had to hear that he's this pothead through John, who I just ran into on the bus. "Chris smokes alot of weed now hey?" I don't know why, but sometimes I wonder if I'm ready for a relationship. Or if Chris is. His guy friends seem like 8000 times more important to him then I am. He doesn't tell me anything, he changes, is becoming this person Im scared of. And I don't think he cares.

I feel like saying "Maybe I shouldn't talk to you anymore. I am constantly telling you every little detail from one corner of my brain to the other. Usually you ignore it, If I cry you walk away. If im mad you shrug, If Im happy you just smile. Maybe next time I won't tell you whats going on. If I ever drink too much and pass out, you won't know. If my parents are having a huge argument and its bugging me, Iwon't tell you. If my parents tell me that I have to move to Calgary, I won't tell you. And One day I'll just be gone"

Too be honest, I feel like being that dramatic. I have tried being rational, talking with decency and acting completely normal. I have tried showing him how i really feel, wailing and all. He just stares. I have even cried until my eyes hurt in front of him, and he just stares. Says he doesn't know what to say. Doesn't know what to do. Well what am I doing wrong? How can I change without hurting myself? I'm too close to acting like I don't care. I am too close to trying to isolate myself, and pull myself away. Then I won't be hurting myself like this.

But in reality I feel like Im walking in circles. I feel like Chris is constantly thinking about the weird things I do. I always think I'm going to get dumped. I'm scared. I want answers. I don't want this happen. I don't want him to be that person, maybe he always was. Maybe I never got to know him at all. The three hundred text messages that I spent thinking out very rationally didn't help. He didn't say a thing back. I didn't anticipate him too. But now Im scared to text him...I want to beg him to say something. I want to act normal, Iwant to say "Can you please say something?" I want to cry.

I don't know what to do.