I think you should shoot me

I am humming and hawing again. You know, being annoying, pondering life and my miserable existance. I was thinking today, reflecting on the past couple days that have been nothing but working at Sportmart, getting my hands dirty and very full of killing myself kind of thoughts.

I had to work again today. I was very upset with that in the first place. I anticipated last night when I arrived at work that I wouldn't have a shift again until next week. Kim 'accidently' put me down for Sunday, two weeks in a row which I have told her sternly a few times that I have cheer for three hours and it is impossible for me to come into work. She said "Well you will have to switch a saturday shift with someone."

Augh! It wasn't hard. What kind of self respecting person that works on a saturday not want to work on a sunday instead? So poo I had to work. I don't really care, course that would moderately be a lie because I do sortaaa care. But I like the fact that while I'm working and thinking about how much it sucks that I'm there I think "I'm gonna get paaaaid!" And then I don't really mind as much.

The annoying part about work today was that I was the youngest person there by several years. I'm the little kid at my work. Fifteen is apparently really little and small, and so everyone I was on shift with today was at least 20 years old. There is a boy at my work named Matt who is 17, apparently has a little thing for me. It hadn't even crossed my mind because I've been so consumed with my own mind to even notice that growing and become something that people at my work talk about. Anyways my boss and the other assistant manager Leanne were making fun of me today and giggling about how cute it was and how he and I had to go on a date. I was just kinda like, Huh? It's not that I'm cold hearted and I don't like him but it's funny, one of those things that I hadn't even been aware of going on around me because while I was at work texting and people assumed it was Matt, it was actually arguing with Chris and having life altering dilemmas over our cellphones.

So that was weird. Leaving work they were all convinced I was going to go out with him tonight to a movie or something. I just shrugged and told them i'd tell them all about it. I won't because there is no movie. I'm at home in my sweats with my hair soaking wet eating a pizza pop. Yeyyyahh, not going out tonight.

ANYWUHS, I'm still the same. No breakthroughs or anything. In the shower today I was thinking about things as I usually do (go figure) and how I just can't give a fuck anymore. I'm actually really scared for Chris and the choices he's making. A few of those dummys that I hang out with are graduating from Weed and moving on into the harder drugs. Weed, I am mostly alright with. Anything else and you've crossed lines.

So, these friends of his, boys that I love like my big brothers are scaring the shit out of me and convincing Chris he needs to do it too. When I heard that my first reaction was to burst into tears. I can't even tell you how terrifying it is to see someone you once really loved for being so pure and innocent, turn into this peer pressured fanatic who would probably do meth if his friends were doing it. I like to think he has his own mind and I like to think that one day he'll tell them that whole scene isn't for him but I can't be certain. I know now that there are too many problems being affliated with being his friend because I care about him more than he cares about himself which automatically makes him care even less about me.

I have reached a dead end. I feel like I've been fighting this for years, trying to keep hold of the person that he is. It's all so frusterating. Leaving him will be the most logical choice, and the most painful.

Fuck, he never leaves me with any options. But like I've said, I'm tired of being broken. Because for one thing being fifteen everyone thinks that I'm bubbly and a breath of fresh air, a girl whose in love with life. But actually, I'm just incredibly selfish and self absorbed and if someone were to ask if I were upset and I told them my little story about my ex boyfriend loving another girl they would make one of those snort laugh noises because it sounds ridiculous. But to me, it's my life. I love people all too easily and I've always been the one who gets hurt the easiest because I'm loyal and I don't do the whole chase thing. It's true that boys like a chase.

And I'm not a challenge. Everyone knows that. I hate life. I dislike the majority of the people I hangout with because everything reminds me of fucking Westminster. Westminster is like this looming dark cloud over my life, if everything doesn't top it, then everything is shit. I hear songs that I remember from the end of grade nine and I just melt into the floor.

Words don't even do it anymore. I don't even know what I'm trying to say. If I could say it bluntly; I'm severely attracted to my ex boyfriend whom I adore still who hates me, who doesn't want to hang out with me because he knows all to well what will happen, who loves his girlfriend than he's ever loved me, and this entire sentence may infact be a lie because I am so full of angst and hatrid and despair that I can't tell reality from the make believe.

So who knows what I'm even saying.

At least this is the last week of school and then I get two weeks off again for exams. (Which isn't necessarily a good thing) I'm excited to see Carson who always brings me back to grade 8 and Westminster and makes me feel like I'm destined to be weird. God I miss my old life. I really really miss it.

BUT I AM SETTING THIS IN STONE RIGHT NOW! I HATE HOW OFTEN I TALK ABOUT THIS SAME PROBLEM, THAT'S BEEN MY PROBLEM FOR THREE GOING ON FOUR MONTHS. LONGER THAN I WAS EVEN WITH THE BOY.

Good news: Today it smelt like spring. Don't knock my swagger because I know it's like the beginning of January and it will be the end of March before the snow even starts to disappear but it was warm today and for a brief moment when the front door of Sportmart opened I smelt that scent that the world inhibits while the snow is melting away. It was a nice change, seeing that soon the snow will hopefully be gone.

Work was ridiculous and chaotic today.

I can't even talk about it.

Chimo...

hahahhahahhaa.