Wandering through the dungeon of my brain....

It is very cold outside. I keep telling myself that January and February are the worst (Which they are) But march has been known to be a little bitch and I recall it snowing in April last year. It actually won't stop snowing and walking to and from the bus stop isn't fun with the snowflakes getting whipped into your eyes by the wind, and the burning from cold hands. I just kind of hate Edmonton right now. This city can be so beautiful during the summertime when the river isn't frozen and everything is green. Most of this city is in the beautiful river valley anyways.

So, I am literally counting down the days until spring comes. I know its a few more months still. It doesn't help that in my time of depression, it's depressing outside. I am being melodramatic, I'm not depressed persae, I'm just kind of bored with the way my highschool career is going. I know though that grade ten is supposed to be one of the best years and I am not going to remember mine that way. Mines been a rollercoaster of pain and tears and I haven't even really met any good friends. I have quite a few aquantinces, but I haven't been able to force myself upon anyone. Work is making my life really monotonous along with school. Chris is making my life really stressful too, because I'm either worrying about his well being, or what he's up to at least twice a day. I keep reminding myself that he shouldn't even be a factor in my life anymore and it's ridiculous that he still is.

I feel like I'm playing this never ending game. He's kind of ruined my highschool experience to say the least. I realized it very strongly today when I was waiting at the bus stop and I got on a random school special to take me to school and I felt myself a little worried as to who might be on it. Everyone in the West end knows each other and I was scared that his girlfriend would be on the bus or someone else that knows me. The weird thing about Mac girls Is that I only know of like five people from that school, yet they all know me. Getting on the bus I felt like they knew who I was but I didn't know who they were and I was being critisized for my actions during Winter break.

Dam winter break. I have never regretted something so much, and so little at the same time. I mean good news is that I'm not sad anymore. My attitude is literally "I don't give a fuck" I know it couldn't possibly get any more complicated than it already has. And if it does I'm prepared, I'm used to being stepped on. I am used to the feeling of wanting someone and them wanting to kick you. I'm used to gossip and rumours and stares and the whole works. I'm not going to lie, it feels like everyone talks about me. Obviously, they don't. I'm not that important. I'm just trying to imagine my life without the drama and the fear and without Chris.

That's a hard one. But I don't even know him anymore. He doesn't like who he was last year before the summer and I loved that guy. It really hurts me to know that he likes himself better now. I don't know who the fuck he is anymore, nor do I know who I am. Why oh why do I keep letting myself get peed on? (as i so politely put it to alyssa today in science class)

All there's left to do is make no decisions, set nothing in stone, and live my mother fucking life. That's all I've wanted for some while now. If he texts me, he texts me. If he ignores me, he ignores me. If we become strangers that see each other on the bus every once and awhile and look at each other for just a milisecond trying to remember what we were and then move on with our lives, then so be it. I just want a clean slate. Highschool is not what I expected in the sense that all the people I've met, know people that I've known. There is no clean slate. Too many people know my ex boyfriend, too many people know his girlfriend. Too many people learned who I was. Or who they thought I was.

This world is just complete and utter bullshit. Now that he's changing so much I feel obliged to do as he does and try the things he does not to lose him, but that's what needs to happen. I need to lose him, his baggage, and his stupid drama that he carts around with him everywhere. It's incredibly hard to believe we used to be these innocent, cute, naive little people that had these huge and innocent little crushes on each other that turned into this relationship that I thought to believe was very real. Now it has turned to shit and all we do is fight about drugs and alcohol and friends and life. It's very unnerving. I know he's brought me here. I know the whole drugs bit was because of my own self esteem issues and wanting to go through life moving up when he did. Experiencing the things he did. It's the strangest thing to try and explain.

But shit, I'm exhausted. I have exams coming up, I'm planning on going into my autopilot mode. Block out everyone that causes me to fall to my knees, namely Chris. I'm going to study my ass off, eat lots of food because I'm currently hungry, and make plans with Carson since that has been my intention for almost a month. I am seriously considering switching schools. This whole highschool thing is not what it has been cracked up to be in my opinion.

I want to scream!

Maybe I should.

This semester ends in four days. It's hard to believe we've come this far. Hard to believe I've fallen this hard, sacrificing my own happiness to stay in touch with people. It's so incredibly hard to believe that this is where we are today. When everything that I knew ended in October I looked through my mind and said "On the bright side, this will all be gone by January"

I should have known better that it would be the exact same if not worse. I'm still trying to piece together how my life would be now if Winter break hadn't happened. Probably alot smoother. Why can't everyone just accept each other and love each other? This is unneccessary.

On a final note, I finished the last book in the Twilight Saga. I could cry that i've read all there is to read about Bella and Edward. Their love story actually melts my heart, how much they love each other. Who cares that it's just a silly book. It's how i've always wished my reality to be. I think I'm just going to go off into the corners of my mind for a few weeks. Let myself wander within this dungeon called my brain and imagine better and happier things.

That's what I'll do.

XoKristen