Another day, another realization

Happy saturday folks! I am so glad that it's finally the weekend. Lucky for all the Shep kids, we have monday and tuesday off. I am extremely happy about that. I have a few plans that I'm trying to set up, or already are. Tonight I am possibly going to Elly's to either go to a party or to have a Saw marathon. Lol.

I really want to see Morgan, but that will most likely be on tuesday. It is her birthday today so I want to give her a little shoutout. Happy birthday Morgie! Your finally 15! Last night Lisa came over, and I had alot of fun with her. I really enjoy how me and her never fight and how much fun we can have. Course half the fun was making fun of my dad, and he didn't like that very much. Especially when he said "You may be smarter than me, but I know more than you" and then he said "I've been around" I laughed and said 'ew', which sent me and Lisa back up to the loft laughing hysterically.

Yesterday was friday, and I had another good day. Drama class was alot of fun again with Elly, I have grown accustumed to telling her things. And I trust her. So I hope I don't get let down. I'm still really frazzled about all this stuff with Chris. It's making me really confused and angry that he still thinks that he has me wrapped around his finger.

Which he does. He can say one small thing about being interested again, and I will lose my mind. I feel so vulnerable and everyone is telling me if he changes his mind, I can't go back to him. It'd be nice to say honestly that if he ever did that, that I would say a harsh no. But I still feel like I need to find this out for myself. Live and learn. Because I know that if I did the right thing, it would feel wrong. My friends would be seriously disappointed in me but my emotions are incredibly messed up right now.

Like I always say, Our relationship feels like it happened years ago. I yearn for it so much sometimes, and sometimes I feel like I could go the rest of my life not talking to him again. It's just very uneasy, hard, and really uncomfortable always trying to put the peices of the future together and having no idea how things are going to turn out. I don't want to get hurt even more than I already have been, but whose to say that something won't happen and I will be crushed all over again. It feels somewhat like a vicious circle. No matter how content I feel with a friendship it seems like something comes to bite me in the ass.

But I will have to deal with it. And I am going to try my best to do so. If any new options come up, I'm going to learn for myself. Despite the things my friends know for sure, I'm hanging on to strong to let it go just yet. As things are right now. I would be happy if I heard no more about Chris and Sarah. It hurts so much picturing them together and what they might be getting up to. Wow, you have no idea.

But my dad said something to me and he said "Kristen you can put two and two together. Trying to glue the peices back together and figure out where you went wrong. But the bottom line is you guys didn't work out. You don't have to be bitter about it, you can say yes I loved him, but it didn't work out. " He mentioned that to me in the car yesterday and when my dad puts thing in perspective for me I usually end up in tears. My dad is so right, and no matter how hard I try Chris and I arn't supposed to be together. And maybe thats the message the world is trying to give me.

Ah, whatever. Life is okay as of now, and it will get better. It's so hard not knowing. It's hard knowing. Life is difficult sometimes. But no one said this world was going to be easy. I'm excited for my long weekend, I am going to make plans and see my friends.

XoKristen