Heart breaking realization.

I'm feeling very...strange right now. That doesn't say much because it's me, and I'm always crazy. I realized that because of my age and everything that people say I never know if my feelings are real. Sometimes you just have to wonder if I'm just caught up in the drama of it all. I really want to believe that I loved certain people. I really want to believe that everything was real. But how can I be so sure? I can't. I finished reading Celestes blog, and she said that 2008 seemed very short in a way. I couldn't agree more. She says its because she didn't have many mile stones, and I'm at the opposite end of the spectrum. It seems like everything for the first 3 quarters of the year were so amazing, and the quote "times flys by faster when your having fun" really proved to be true.

My playlist right now consists of one very beautiful and heartbreaking song by paramore. It's called "Caught myself". Any Twilight fans out there will be perking up right now reading this. I can't get enough of replayng it over and over again. Although lately I've just felt like crying to be honest. I really miss the summertime. I don't know what to do anymore because like I said, I don't know if these feelings are real or just myself being dramatic. But sometimes I just feel so incomplete. The first time I heard paramores song, I cried. "I don't know what I want" I have no idea what my mind is telling me. "I hate this I hate this" Where do I go from here? I'm scared to let go of everything because it means leaving a bunch of people behind. But growing up means moving on, how many times have we heard that?

I just have alot of love for so many people. My dad always said to me "why would you want to be in a relationship with somoene who didn't want to be with you?" On the same side of the coin my mom has always said to me "someday you'll find somoene who is completely head over heals in love with you, and you won't have to make them love you."

Dude, I'm only 15. I don't know fuck all. I know what belts look nice with my jeans, which boys I see are hot, and the name of the artist on the radio, but thas about it. Everything thus far is a complete mystery to me, I just want to have a voice. That's partially why I have this blog, I want people to hear me. I want people to be able to agree with me that they know exactly what I mean when I talk about losing my way. I can't handle losing things. I have never been able to handle change, or losing friends. It breaks me apart. You can't just have someone fill a hole in you and then months later they are retrieving themselves from that part in your life. I still don't know what I want, what I truly just need. I don't want to make a big deal out of chris anymore, no one really understands how I feel. It was just my first, just my first everything. I'm a clingy person to begin with. So I guess taht doesn't help. I'm just not used to the drama, to the talking, to all the fucking people that feel the need to anaylize what I had with him, like they knew.

2008 is ending soon though. I haven't drank or done anything brash in months. (Excluding my smoking slip last weekend) It's not like I ever had an addiction. I don't care for any of that stuff. But its true that if it's there I'm open to the possibility to it. I feel like I don't necessarily have any strong opinons on anything anymore. I changed myself this fall because I wanted to fit a mold and it's left me completely and utterly confused about the person that I am. I guess all I'm saying is that I have been wallowing in my own self pity and that I don't care for drinking to have a good time. I never really have. If everyone else feels the need for it, who the fuck cares?

Well, my initial point is that I hope 2009 will bring a year thats full of memories as this one has been. I feel like crying because if I could I would repeat 2008 over and over again. But I can't, and after 2009 it will be 2010, then 2011. And things will change and so will people and I'm going to have to learn to deal. So, without further adu (Is that how you spell it? :S) I feel like listing the bunch of memories I have of the year. Just to get it out of my system, because I tihnk its apparent that i have some clingy issues to this past year.

New Years last year, was great. It was my first like alcohol experience, but tahts not what made it great. I'm not a dork like that. It was great because Emma and Caroline slept over while Gage had Austin and Erik over. They were trying to get a weed dealer to come to the house because my mom went out. I remember feeling so uncomfortable and I remember kneeling over the vent in the dining room that at the time was directly over gage's bed, and shoved chips down the vent and after about half an hour a pile emerged and I remember snickering and saying to Emma "He's not going to notice until next year!" Soon enough we all heard "What the fuck?" From the basement, and gage came upstairs looking a little pissed off. We all laughed but he went downstairs and continued to try and buy weed from our doorstep so although Caroline had been bugging me about liquor the enitre night I finally gave in and unlocked my moms alcohol cabinet, grabbed a bottle and dumped a bunch of vodka into a glass and mixed it with orange juice and ran into the basement where gage and his friends were reciding and shouted "Happy New years mother fuckers!" and took a huge chug of the vodka, and I nearly vomited but the boys chased me upstairs anyways begging Caroline, Emma and I for some. That night was hilarious for me, I laid in bed that night feeling like I was going to hurl, but I realized after I just thought I was going to because I was scared my mom was going to catch me and the next morning I acted completely guilty and hid from my moms glare. Even though she had no idea.

I started to like Chris in January because of Rebecca. He was in my gym class and she would whisper to me about how hot he was. I would always laugh and say "oh yeah" but I never really paid him much attention. I remember she used to fight with me to sit next to him and to make things a little more interesting I started telling her I had a crush on him when I didn't. At one point I realized I did and during a ping pong game she told me we looked cute together, that was probably the first time I acted like a tool.

I remember I invited him to a movie and everything. When I like someone I am deadly obvious and completely and entirely annoying. It was awkward, definitely. We walked around the mall and I was set that he liked me. Never happened. Then the ski trip rolled around and I roomed with Caroline and Rebecca. We had a bunch of fun. It was grade nines only and there was a school that actually came to stay in the same hotel that was an all boys school from England. No, I'm not kidding you. All the girls hung out in the hallways, and then I realized that they all disapeared so when I went down into the lobby I found them gathered around this massive group of gorgeous boys with amazing accents. All the girls were asking what they liked to do and where they hung out and what not. The lobby had this huge fireplace and we all gathered around like it was story time. A few of the girls got their numbers, but i scurried back upstairs to see Chris being the tool that I am. He liked Cassandra at the time and happened to be on the ski trip as well. I remember he was with Connor Fletcher and we caught ice in our mouths while the entire Westmin grade 9 girl population was down in the lobby. Of course I stayed upstairs and hung out with Connor and Chris becuse I wanted to prove I wasn't a brainless girl. Although the second night we were there some girls got in trouble for talking to the boys through their windows in the middle of the night, which is exactly what we did the second night. We cracked open the window gently and I remember calling "goodnight boys!" in a british accent before flinging myself backwards off the edge of the bed. I had a huge bruise to show for it and loved telling the story of how I got it to friends. I remember Miss Sexauer came in and asked us if our window was open and Caroline and Rebecca said "no no no!" and I looked over and saw that a small breeze was coming in and I just smiled and lied brilliantly saying 'sorry I jut opened it, I was cold'. They completely bought it.

March was pretty uneventful. In April I got picked to go to this thing at the Misercordia called the P.A.R.T.Y. Program. Chris got picked to go as well and I remember how determined I had been to make something happen. I was an embaressment. On the bus ride back, after a day of him talking to me the whole day which I realize now was only because there were none of his friends around, I said "I'm tired!" and put my head on his shoulder thinking I was being very smooth and flirty. It was stupid. When we got back to school he asked me to be his science partner in our disecting project, course being me I took it to heart and thought it was a huge deal.

May was alot of fun for me. It was my birthday, and Chris'. I spent alot of time making him a card and asking him to hang out alot. Rebecca had her 16th birthday party in her backyard with a bunch of our close friends and we spent the night making smores and talking about highschool and the summertime and how on earth we would all live without each other. Then we had grade 9 grad, which was the first time I got close to Chris.He asked me to dance and what not, I remember resting my head on him and closing my eyes and everyone around me were whispering things like 'Finally' and Keltyn was screeching about how cute we were. I went to Nikita's afterparty afterwards and we all sat around her bonfire and talked about Highschool again. Cassandra had been asking me all of this stuff about Chris, initially I had asked him if he liked me and he said he didn't.

Anyways, June was just the best month of my life. I spent June running around during exam week holding Chris' hand and tiny little breakthroughs and Morgan would come over and we'd sit on my garage roof, climb all the way up there with my guitar and I'd sing her songs that I wrote and she would smile at me telling me it was gret thinking music, but how it made her sad about John. We would climb up there almost everyday and lay in the sun thinking about our situations. That roof was like a sanctuary for me. The first time I brought Chris up there he put his arm around me and I had been so happy. I remember Rebecca told me how he had told her he liked me and I ran down the street screaming. I was very happy. Then Jacob Dykstra had his end of the year party and I hadn't been invited but so many people asked him to let me come that I did.

Everyone was playing ball and sitting around the fire until the sun went down and Chris pulled me to the front drive way to ask me out and when we came back into the yard we lay next to Caroline and Tim and shared this god awful itchy blanket and looked up at the stars and i went home nearly shitting sunshine.

Fuck, I don't even have enough wordspace to even begin with the summertime. It was just amazing, and I feel like crying right now to be honest because its so far gone. I remember I went camping to Miquelon Beach with Chris' family and we kissed on the beach and I wore these massive pair of jeans. Shortly after that trip I stashed them away in this drawer in my room, and I discovered them in November and they smelt exactly like the trailer and the lake and I just left them there, didn't wash them because they reminded me of when I was so happy. My mom actually washed them like the first week of December and she said to me "Kristen, they smelt bad I had to wash them!" and I was crying, really freaking out and yelling at her telling her they smelt like the summer and now the summer was gone forever and alot of bullshit. I had a good cry after that.

I'm going to stop there, theres too much to reminsce about. Too many things that will bring me to tears. It seems weird I was ever that fucking happy. I think of my life in stages, like "that part of my life was amazing", I know I'm going to remember grade 10 as a shitty year. It breaks my heart. I really want to be a happy person with no worries. But my heart still feels broken alot of the time. I don't know what to do with myself.

Oh, here I come 2009. Please, PLEASE don't let me down. Bring me love, and happiness. Please.

XoKristen