I am most definately in a writing mood today! I'm not sure why. I just know that I have alot of things I feel like saying, but not necessarily so publicly but I guess it has to be done somewhere.
I'm scared. I'm not scared for a test, for an event, for anything, but the general future. I really don't want people to hate me. I feel like writing blogs is a bad thing. Everytime I get into any depth about myself people have beef to pick with me. I want to be able to voice my thoughts without feeling like I'm doing a bad thing.
Like today, When someone texted me asking me if I wrote a blog about her wanting to beat up a certain someone. And I wrote a blog with probably 15 paragraphs, and that was about half of a sentence within the entire thing. And apparently the girl she 'wanted to beat up' was super pissed. I don't want people to hate me. I want people to know that I don't hate anyone.
I really don't. I don't want Sarah walking around telling people that I hate her because I don't. I don't want her thinking that I'm this chick who has this loathing hate for her whenever I hear her name. I just act like I do sometimes, to build some kind of wall. I am well aware that in the Archbishop Macdonald world, I am like this ghost. An imprint, a name that people know but I've never really seemed real. People have no idea who I am, and I don't think they care. But I feel like they shrug off the fact that I did have something with Chris once, and that I do matter. I do! And I'm not this hateful, overbearing person that people think I am.
I'm just sad. That's all. People say things when their sad. I have alot of jealousy. That much is certainly and most definately clear. But I'm a person. I feel like it would be different if I went to mac. then maybe people would recognize that I have feelings too. I'm not just this random summer fling of Chris' during the summer. At one point I did matter. I am tired of the gossiping, and the text messages I keep getting. I am so tired. I don't want to have to deal with people telling me things I already know. "Did you know they hooked up?"
I told my mom today it would be incredibly nice to just move away. Where people wern't interested in my past, but only where I stood at the moment. I am the invisible girl that everybody knows about and it sucks. I hate hearing things about my life, I hate hearing about his life. Her life. I'm not a part anymore. I don't want to be. Alyssa wrote this amazing blog today, about how she doesn't want to be best friends, she wants him. She wants him to be gone. She wants to be free and move on. And so badly I want to show everyone that I am a strong person, that I don't need to hang on to someone that everyone says never deserved me in the first place.
I don't know what to do. I am still the same old Kristen, although alot of people might beg to differ. I am still goofy and silly. I still love being outside more than anything. I love watching movies with my friends, having sleepovers. I LOVE starbucks. I love sitting on my roof and looking at the few stars at night. I like simple things. But all of these simple things are bombarded by the shit thats over flowing, the things I don't want to deal with. I know for a fact that I am a good person. And I know that I am fun, and loveable. I just don't see where I went wrong to make so many people so careless about hurting me.
I have feelings.
I'm scared. I'm not scared for a test, for an event, for anything, but the general future. I really don't want people to hate me. I feel like writing blogs is a bad thing. Everytime I get into any depth about myself people have beef to pick with me. I want to be able to voice my thoughts without feeling like I'm doing a bad thing.
Like today, When someone texted me asking me if I wrote a blog about her wanting to beat up a certain someone. And I wrote a blog with probably 15 paragraphs, and that was about half of a sentence within the entire thing. And apparently the girl she 'wanted to beat up' was super pissed. I don't want people to hate me. I want people to know that I don't hate anyone.
I really don't. I don't want Sarah walking around telling people that I hate her because I don't. I don't want her thinking that I'm this chick who has this loathing hate for her whenever I hear her name. I just act like I do sometimes, to build some kind of wall. I am well aware that in the Archbishop Macdonald world, I am like this ghost. An imprint, a name that people know but I've never really seemed real. People have no idea who I am, and I don't think they care. But I feel like they shrug off the fact that I did have something with Chris once, and that I do matter. I do! And I'm not this hateful, overbearing person that people think I am.
I'm just sad. That's all. People say things when their sad. I have alot of jealousy. That much is certainly and most definately clear. But I'm a person. I feel like it would be different if I went to mac. then maybe people would recognize that I have feelings too. I'm not just this random summer fling of Chris' during the summer. At one point I did matter. I am tired of the gossiping, and the text messages I keep getting. I am so tired. I don't want to have to deal with people telling me things I already know. "Did you know they hooked up?"
I told my mom today it would be incredibly nice to just move away. Where people wern't interested in my past, but only where I stood at the moment. I am the invisible girl that everybody knows about and it sucks. I hate hearing things about my life, I hate hearing about his life. Her life. I'm not a part anymore. I don't want to be. Alyssa wrote this amazing blog today, about how she doesn't want to be best friends, she wants him. She wants him to be gone. She wants to be free and move on. And so badly I want to show everyone that I am a strong person, that I don't need to hang on to someone that everyone says never deserved me in the first place.
I don't know what to do. I am still the same old Kristen, although alot of people might beg to differ. I am still goofy and silly. I still love being outside more than anything. I love watching movies with my friends, having sleepovers. I LOVE starbucks. I love sitting on my roof and looking at the few stars at night. I like simple things. But all of these simple things are bombarded by the shit thats over flowing, the things I don't want to deal with. I know for a fact that I am a good person. And I know that I am fun, and loveable. I just don't see where I went wrong to make so many people so careless about hurting me.
I have feelings.
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