Realizations hitting like several bullets

Life definately feels like a complete joke sometimes. After sunday's incident at my dinner table with my baked mother and her boyfriend, I feel like all respect for her has dived out the window. It's funny, and I don;t really care, but today Gage showed me all her hidden stashes, and it just became so real. I don't know whats going on outside my little bubble because I am so caught up in myself and my own dramatic teen problems.

I am starting to feel the overwhelming feeling of stress overcoming me. I had a math unit exam today, and I am so glad its over with. I know that I didn't get a good mark, I know that I tried my best to study what I could. I hate the tests, and the stress, and how coming home just brings me to this alienated place where I don't even know the people I live with. My mom is so far gone sometimes, if she's not baked, she's yelling at all of us, swearing. Basically being a huge hypocrite because of all the things shes asked me to do. I actually said "Fuck you" to my mom yesterday. She came home from work today all giddy because she gets to keep her office, and all of a sudden everything is fine again. Shawn is his same weird self, lying on the floor with the dog and stroking its belly while we are all at the dinner table. I'm not even supposed to sit on my chair in a lazy fashion.

It just gets more and more comical everytime I look at it. My mom is so messed up. Shawn is like an 18 year old boy. Now that the talk of weed is all out on the table he just openly talks about it. He said to me today at dinner, "Your friend Zaina was talking about how she was fucking this guy in the back of a pickup" I just stared at him. Being my moms boyfriend you'd think shed say something. I just looked at him and said "You probably have the story wrong because you were baked out of your mind" and my mom laughed at that, then he said "How high was I? I would have to have been over 100 degrees to be baked" Gage thought it was funny at least. I just rolled my eyes. Then after we were all cleaning the dinner table my mom started talking about how she did shrooms once and she didn't like it. The whole time I just kind of coasted along cleaning the table. But now that I have escaped up to my bedroom I'm a little like..."What the fuck?"

I am desperately trying to upload my music onto my page. The music that I do have up, isn't my best work. My best song I can't even get up on Imeem because Imeem is stupid. I am trying to draw my Spanish language poster and it's failing BIG time. And I have a language arts vocabulary test tomorrow. Which, happens to be the most pointless thing in existance.

Also, afterschool today I went to Starbucks with Chris. Today was exponentionally better than yesterday because Elly was nice enough to not bring up anything about Chris and Sarah. My mind was focused on school pretty much all day, and I had good classes overall. Just alot of focus on school, not alot on my outside world. Not alot on Chris. My dad thinks that when I see him I'm just opening up the 'goddam' wound all over again. Or that's how he puts it. Yesterday when we went for an escape car ride we sat there in silence and then he finally said "I'm pissed off at people. I'm mad at Chris. I'm mad at Caroline. I'm mad at your mom. I'm mad at Shawn. I'm mad at Sarah. Why can't these people stop fucking with my little girl?"
That's why my dad is my hero. I just laughed, especially when he said "I'm mad at Chris" He said it like he was five years old. He says that it will be impossible to have a friendship. He says alot of things. On our drive yesterday he brought me to tears because alot of the things he says are just kind of like, This is how things are. This is reality. He said 'Things between you will never be the same. You will most likely never ever be close to him again' I only cried because I was mourning the loss of something that was once really good.

I think seeing him, does the opposite of what my dad thinks. For the first time, when I saw him, I didn't feel this urge to hug him, or hold his hand, or even when he was shivering at the bus stop, something I used to find so cute, I didn't feel like holding him. I didn't really care I just kind of glanced at him and laughed. Other than that, seeing him makes him seem more real. Makes my situation more real. It kind of secures how I feel, it gives me room to see things clearly. I was thinking today, about how when sometimes I sit in class, old memories creep into my head and lighten my mood but when I recall them they seem so distant its like they never happened. It's like I was daydreaming about all the moments I had. But I wasn't. Chris is slowly starting to feel like this faraway dream that never happened. Seeing him, brought me back to reality, but it made me feel like I didn't need him to be perfectly honest.

And that, is exactly what I want. I can't play this person anymore. It's been three weeks. To him, it's like a lifetime. He pities me, he feels guilty. And I KNOW he does. I feel stupid texting him, I avoid trying too hard to make plans. I want to be wanted, I don't want to become forceful. I don't want him to feel bad for me. So, I am doing what I can to appear really strong everytime he comes around. I started wearing eyeliner and alot more makeup that I ever have, (people have been telling me lately how beautiful my eyes look). I have been taking the time to think up different hairstyles. I try my best to smile as often as I can. Even though it may not be genuine yet, because of all the hurt that still takes place inside me, I know that one day it will catch on and it will be.

All I can do right now, is keep doing what I'm doing. Blogging really gets the words out. Blogging unleashes the hurt. It's like the cure to keeping things bottled up. I am sad, I am disapointed and sometimes I really REALLY miss the summer time. But I love life, and I just realized how much I did today. I was walking home from starbucks, enjoying every second of being outside. The trees are all basically naked, but I loved the wind in my hair, and my dorky little glove/mittens, and my new scarf that I was wearing. I reminsced on the summertime, I felt a little sad because I know that two years down the road I will remember this as the summer of my life so far, (I hope). I will never EVER forget this summer. I will never EVER forget the amazing people I got to spend my time with. There will always be a little space in my heart that still hurts because the goodtimes are gone. And it's a big punch in the face to come to terms with something like that.

I will never get to hang out with my crew again. Tim and Caroline will no longer kiss in a tent on Daniels lawn, I won't ever be holding Chris' hand and opening the tent and laughing at them, drunk and passed out in their sleeping bags. I won't ever get to just lie down with Chris and talk about stuff. I will never get to go camping with Chris' family, and I won't ever be their favorite again. I won't ever get to have crazy nights with all those amazing people. I will never kiss Chris again. I will never get to have talks with Caroline about Chris and Tim. I will never get to dance in front of the mirror at Carolines and house and being so overly happy about my boyfriend. There are alot of Never wills. There is alot of pain and sadness. Still alot of anger, 'Why did you have to end it?' Alot of 'We could still be in that place'. But he doesn't want to be. And I'm not allowed to be.

And I am taking the next exit onto 'Lets Move On Road'. Because I know me, and I know once I get over this, there will be a big possibility to be friends, but it might be shot down if I no longer care. I am constantly making the mistake of putting this on my shoulders. Dad always says to me

"Kristen, it's nothing you've done. It's just the way things turn out" And alot of the time I need a reality check like that. Dad said last night, with a bit of sadness in his voice but he meant all the best;

"Kristen, He didn't dump you because he wanted to be alone" And he left it at that. "There will be other boys for you. And other girls for him. It just wasn't meant to be"

And I know he's right. And I will always know he was right. And I will never forget the summer. I will never forget. But I have to move on.