Things Are sometimes

So unexpected

I am still trying to wrap my thoughts around the events that took place yesterday. The unlikliness of it is so great, and my surprise that it actually happened is even more overwhelming. How does anyone expect you to get over something when it just keeps coming back? That when things seem weird enough, just trying to get by that something like this happens. I know of no one that does things like this after a breakup goes down. Your probably all confused, wondering, guessing. But someone whose name rhymes with Piss told me that I shouldn't tell people because they will think its weird.

But it is. And it was. Surprisingly everytime we hangout, my dad tells me "Kristen you just keep opening up that wound" but it never feels like that. It feels raw, and a tad uncomfortable holding back all the things that I want to say. And if they do by chance get out of my mouth somehow they come out accusing and we get into an argument about whose fault it was that our relationship failed. And thats basically how it was yesterday, excluding the other factors that contributed to our behaviour. Again, secret factors that have been banned to leave my mouth by the boy whose name ryhmes with Piss.

I'm exhausted. The tears don't come anymore. They can't. My eyes are so dry, and so are my thoughts. The memories from the summertime feel like lies everytime they enter my head. And when I see Chris it's like hes another person that I met after the old chris dumped me. It's like every single moment that I try to get the old one back, things don't turn out. Of course they won't, and they never will. Yesterday I tried my best to get a friendly hug from him, probably not one of my brightest ideas in the world of getting over people.

He said to me "Kristen, I don't hug friends. I'll just leave you here if you refuse to move" Part of me felt like I had just been punched in the face, but the other part said to me "Hey, he's dead set on moving on Kristen. And your not" Thats probably why about three seconds later I mumbled "This was a stupid idea" and he said "What is?" "Trying to be your friend" And then we walked in silence for about three blocks.

I was supposed to go to Morgans for a sleepover last night as well. But because of Friday night's crazy antics and my lack of sleep on top of the events of yesterday I was really REALLY not up to another night of running around outside trying to find a party or possibly smoking. She got drunk by herself though, a classic Morgan move. She contacted me around midnight through facebook leaving me a message much like:

"Kristen! My parents said because it's thanksgiving I'm allowed to drink! hahahahahahahaah! I think I might be drunk! hahahahahahahaha! I am meeting Ray and Jake tonight! Hahahahahahah!"

My reaction was just a smirk, but at the same time I was wishing I was there I was glad I was home on my warm little couch with my computer on my lap. My grandma audrey came up from Calgary as well, and she is my cute and legandary little British Gramma. Alot of my friends have met her, and all say "She is so awesome!" Because she acts so young and because of her little accent. She went out on a fall walk with my dad just a little while ago. The two of them are boring me to death because they need to stay around the house all day cooking a turkey that takes about 6 hours to cook...apparently.

I was going to try to get them to take me to the Body Worlds exhibit, since its over this weekend but open twenty four hours. So that might happen, but my expectations for the day aren't very high. Unlike alot of my friends, I love spending time at home with my family. Especially since the beautiful fall leaves have already left the trees so the beauty of fall is pretty much gone, and the warm glow of the autum season has been replaced by the introduction to winter through decreasing temperatures. Like today as it sits at +3. And the house is starting to smell more like turkey every second. I have big plans for this october. I have plans to make the best of every rapidly approaching holiday. This Halloween is on a friday. I am going to go all out on a costume this year and run around trick or treating in foriegn neighborhoods and then spend the remainder of my night at a party with a huge bag of candy to scower from, or running around madly with my friends hyped up on Reeses Peices. I have big plans for this Halloween. If I go really crazy I have dreams of throwing a pumpkin at someones house just to express my teen angst.

And Christmas is going to be even better! I am going to go tobogganing and make a huge cup of cocoa and keep it in the car in a warm thermos. I want to go down government hill, and the edmonton ski club hill that at night when you sit at the top before going down the hill you have a beautiful view of downtown edmonton, and around Christmas time one of the high rises has lights going down all 35 floors of it in the shape of Christmas trees and they flash and pulse. And you just sit there for a moment, ignoring the fact that you can't feel your little toes any longer, and that your ass is incredibly wet and your nose is so numb you can't feel the snot running down your face or the fact that your hair has ice crystals in it. But all you can hear is the river slowly flowing through the city and the sounds of cars inspiculously passing by. It's so relaxing and beautiful.

I want to open gifts, and have a lovely Christmas party with snowmen and warmed up baileys with Whipped Cream. And on Halloween I want to make a pumpkin pie. I want to relive my childhood this year and in the new year, basically. I want to make the most out of the remaining years of quote childhood unquote that I have. I don't know about you, but thinking of my childhood I just have images of being SO excited to wake up Christmas morning because Santa was a big deal. And nothing was more delightful then seeing the cookies you left out gone, or the exceptional amount of presents. Or the toothfairy, who one time didn't leave me money for a week and I almost gave up believing in her. Halloween was the most enchanting thing, watching television and all the spooky shows on Tv, and going to the scarecrow festival with Emma every year at the agricom, seeing ghosts and witches and even things like transformers.

Of course there was the year that someone in my class told me my parents were Santa and when I asked my mom repeatedly she finally broke and said she was Santa and the toothfairy and the Easter Bunny. And slowly the belief just faded, the magic of a birthday got smaller and smaller because the older you get the less magical and exciting it became. The less your parents went through to make you feel ultimately special and it just felt like every other day. My last birthday felt like the biggest disapointment because the magic had completely disapeared.

At the moment I am so frusterated with my Grandma and My dad. My bedroom at my dads house happens to be really disgusting. When I say disgusting I mean that when we lived in Ottewel his girlfriend at the time gave me old mickey mouse pictures from the 80's and a couple boxes full of two cent toys. Which are shoved in the bottom of my closet, and several boxes call my closet home, with nothing but garbage in them like old notebooks, and clothes. My dads girlfriend after that one, whom he met when I was thirteen thought that I liked Bratz dolls since my dad told her that I did because I did, at one point, when I was 10. She bought me posters and even a ballcap, and even bought me the bratz movie for my fourteenth birthday. (It still has never been opened)

My dad tries his best to aquire things for me, which are usually stuff he doesnt need or junk from the end of a relationship. A really old shitty basket is where I set my suitcase every week that has a mickey mouse blanket over it and is literally caving in and falling apart. My bed is my great grandmothers, and all the planks holding the matress up are broken. On top of the fact that my dresser has a ton of shit on it from used tissues, to tags from new clothes because my garbage can is about as big as a soup can.

So, really, as my dad always says "You don't care about my house!" I do, but my room is the second smallest in the house. And it's the only space that I have. Whereas at my moms house my bedroom has been mine since I was really young, like my entire life. I have the whole second floor, a large organized closet with shelf space and what not. My dads house is just the ruins of my life. Dirty clothes, and underwear, I can never even find my clothes hamper. And there was some of my stuff on the dining room table, which I just picked up and threw on my bed. Another thing I absoulutely hate about my bedroom is that it faces another condo building behind us, where a public sidewalk runs through. My dad tells me Im being dramatic when I sit on the floor and change my clothes since the blinds that he bought arn't blinds rather then just a rolling sheet of material that puts my room in complete blackness. So if I want light while I change I can't stand in front of the window thats only mere meters from the back walk and the lovely view of our backyard thats a cement pad.

Wow, that was quite teh long rant, I had and have alot of things to talk about, but I will leave it at that for now.