Diary of a broken heart...thats slowly MENDING! yay!

Today was definately a monday that seemed to drone on for the entire week. I had a language arts exam first thing in the morning, and to be truly honest I fell asleep in the middle of a question. Literally, actually, fell asleep. I think I may have had a dream, but I don't quite remember because I woke up feeling frazzled and with the imprint of my face in a splotch of red on my arm.

In spanish, Senora Padovani announced that we would be having a quiz on wednesday about geography. Drama class, was interesting. If you want to know more about it ask Brenna, Paulina or any of the other kids in my drama class.

Basically, what happened was I made another bad choice. Somewhere along the line I think I have lost what I believed in, lost the things that once defined me. I still believe everything I once thought about drugs. None of my friends would believe that, seeing as now it's almost like my escape. I still think that they're bad, despite the people that abuse them. I still think that they can do all the things that my dad says, create procrastination, make you bored with life, make you depressed. I know everything, and feel everything as I once did. I feel like I'm turning a blind eye, and causing alot of my friends that loved the old me to worry. I'm just caught up, and the only way recently I've felt like I can just let those things free is if I'm high. That sounds terrible, unlike me, and completely morally backwards. Just a couple months ago I was talking with Alyssa how I had a goal to stay pure throughout all of highschool.

And I still want to be that person. I don't want to let her down, I don't want anyone especially her to think I've changed. I know for a fact that if Chris hadn't gotten into drugs over the summer, I wouldn't have either as a last desperate attempt to get him to notice what I was going through. Obviously, it didn't work. But I still don't think smoking weed is a good choice. I don't get as uncomfortable as I once did, but I don't want it to consume my life and I won't let it. I've gone through quite the rough patch the last couple of months, even when I was dating Chris. And sometimes the easiest thing to do, is to just say "Fuck it"

Tonight afterschool I went to the mall to get my nose peircing changed into a ring. I'm really enjoying it, I feel really powerful with it for some reason. Like I'm making a statement. The little stud was barely noticeable and I can garuntee you that tomorrow people will be asking me if I peirced my nose. I'm scared to face my drama class, but I will do that with the best way that I can because I am not just another person who goes along with the crowd. I'm me. And I have my own opinons.

And my own feelings. Anyways, Tim came over for a bit too. I was great seeing him, I hardly ever get to see him these days. I was frusterated though after our long walk when he brought up Chris and something that Chris said. Something about me doing things with him just so he wouldn't break up with me. I was so angry, not hurt just angry. I wanted to lay things out on the table, that the night that I did these so called 'things' I had no intention of any of the things that Tim told me. I wasn't trying to save anything. I wasn't trying to fix things. I was so mad when I heard it, because it seems like everyone has such interest in my life. It seems like Chris just keeps telling people things that aren't true. Embaressing things.

I texted him of course, and not two minutes later Tim got a text from Chris who said something like "What the fuck did you say to Kristen to get her mad at me?" And then of course it started a little argument between me and Tim, leaving me to be 'ridiculous'. I just told Tim that I am so sick and tired of fighting battles that are genuinely mine, and feeling like I have no right too. Because I do. I don't know any of the answers, I can't even say I have love or relationships even a quarter figured out.

But I do know that it IS my business if it involves me, and I can bring it up to whoever I want. I did sort it out with Chris, but I can't help but wondering when this will ever end. I hate how everytime something gets brought up the feelings come back all over again. I'm not a bad person, infact I think i'm a rather good one. And I have my head on decently straight despite all the people that would kill to see me fall right now.

But I do know one thing. I LOVE life. And I love the people that are making it worth living. It's just the selected few that are ruining it for me. I so badly want to be Chris' friend. And I want to know what it's like to feel happy to know that I have overcome something. I still don't think that people change, I think people find more about other people. I think that Chris has always been the same person, it has just taken me longer than three months to see it. He once told me when I was upset "fuck Kristen, I think you know me better than anyone" And although we've been through shit I still stay true to that. No matter how far apart we drift or this, I'm still drawn to the fact that I still know him better than alot of people.

And I can't just let that go. I can't do anything either because I don't know the answer. But I HAVE to do this friend thing, I feel like its crucial for me to move on. I feel like its crucial for me to not have a notch thats missing in my heart. I absoulutely hate how someone so important to me is moving away so quickly.

"The hardest part of walking away from you, is knowing that you won't follow"